Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Fairyboy / Tim McPeters

Enrique Iglesias

Wayne Mowery

Jennifer Gilbert

Lumberjack

Scene 1: HQ Tour

NARRATOR

Because the Brittanyman Headquarters was relatively new, Brittanyman and Fairyboy had no idea of all the equipment around them.  Even though the headquarters were in a small, abandoned shack hidden in the woods, there were plenty of strange pieces of technology that even Steve Jobs wouldnt know what to do with.

WAYNE

[holds up cylindrical device with small holes in it on the side and a clear glass circle]  Do either of you know what this is?

FAIRYBOY

A flashlight without a light?

BRITTANYMAN

No, Fairyboy it's obviously a very big lipstick holder.

WAYNE

Actually it's a decoder.  You just press this button [presses button] and it will read any hieroglyph, foreign language or numerical code underneath the viewer here [points to glass circle] and it will say whatever it most likely means in English.

BRITTANYMAN

Wayne, I hate to break it to you, but odds are were not going to go on any reconnaissance mission where we're going to have to decode any ancient language.  Couldn't you just make weapons or something?

WAYNE

I made you a tricked out motorcycle!  I'm doing my best, and besides I'm not good at weapons design and most of this stuff I got off of the black market.

FAIRYBOY

Isn't that illegal?

BRITTANYMAN

Look Fairyboy, he didn't buy any drugs or anything dangerous, so just forget about it.  [looks over at large metal control panel that looks like plane radar]  What's that for?

WAYNE

Oh, that one I'm especially proud of.  I was able to manage to get a tracking device on the known criminals in town, so we can monitor their activity.

FAIRYBOY

Awesome!  Very James Bond.  [goes over to laptop and pulls up open page]  What's this?

WAYNE

No, don't touch that!

FAIRYBOY

[looks at page and quickly closes it]  Ah man!  Even I think that's nasty and I'm a guy, too!  I can't believe you have that under favorites!

BRITTANYMAN

What was it?

WAYNE

Don't tell her!

FAIRYBOY

Brittanyman, you don't even want to know.

WAYNE

I guess we'll get back to the tour.  [points to shelf full of metallic devices]  Those are grappling hooks and tasers.

BRITTANYMAN

Oooh, let me see!  [grabs taser and shocks Fairyboy with it]

FAIRYBOY

[falls to ground and twitches after being shocked with taser]

WAYNE

Well at least now I know I don't have to test it out.

Scene 2: Die Enrique Iglesias! Die!

NARRATOR

While Brittanyman and Wayne were trying to bring Fairyboy back into consciousness, a famous Latin singer was being attacked by an impossible to understand incoherent Irish lumberjack.

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

Don't hurt me!  I am Enrique!  I made out with the Anna Kornakova and the Jennifer Love Hewitt!  I know they suck and are media whores like me, but I can pay you with all the money I made.

LUMBERJACK

[chops Enriques arm off with axe]  You can keep yer [mumbles] tree [mumbles].

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

No, have mercy on me!

LUMBERJACK

No I have t' [mumbles] tree [mumbles] gotta do [mumbles] have to trim you [mumbles] tree.  [chops off Enrique's leg]

ENRIQUE IGLESIAS

Aaahhh!  Don't!  I can't be an amputee!  I finally got rid of that stupid mole so that more stupid teenage girls and housewives will think I'm sexy in that Hispanic pool boy way!  They won't buy my crap filled albums if Im an amputee, not even out of pity!

LUMBERJACK

Can't stop gotta do [mumbles] have to do what I'm bloody [mumbles and then decapitates Enrique and walks away].

Scene 3: Unwanted Battle

NARRATOR

When Fairyboy finally awoke from his electronically induced sleep after Wayne found some dirty sock, a somewhat startling news bulletin flashed on the television screen.

JENNIFER GILBERT

Hello, this is Jennifer Gilbert with a breaking news bulletin.  Apparently while Latin singer Enrique Iglesias was here in Baltimore on tour, he was viciously slaughtered in his hotel room with what looks to have been an axe.  At this point there are no leads in the crime and his family and friends couldn't be reached for comment, but his former mole's representatives did have this to say: "Our client, although he separated from Mr. Iglesias under bad terms, is sorry for the loss to his friends and family.  His thoughts and prayers are with them."  Now back to the regularly scheduled program.

BRITTANYMAN

Sarah must be happy.

WAYNE

Guys!  This is it!  This is the case that will make us famous!

FAIRYBOY

We can't be famous, because then everyone will focus on us and try to figure out our secret identities.

BRITTANYMAN

Even though I really don't care that he's dead, we do have to investigate it, you know just out of curiosity.  Hey Wayne, do you think you could get us a lead?

WAYNE

Sure, I can just hack into the police computer system and see what criminals used an axe as a weapon of choice.  [goes on laptop and hacks into police computer system through Firewall]  Got it, the police have a mental history file on an Irish lumberjack John Doe because his evaluation a few days ago said that he started thinking people were trees, but no one could really understand him, so they're guessing he has a tendency towards violence.

FAIRYBOY

Do you know where he is?

WAYNE

It says here that he owns an Irish pub, so he might be there.

BRITTANYMAN

All right let's go.

BRITTANYMAN, FAIRYBOY

[get on Brittanymancycle and ride to the Irish pub, stepping inside, only to find the Irish lumberjack at the bar]

LUMBERJACK

What d' ya think yer [mumbles and says something weird].

BRITTANYMAN

[says to Wayne]  What did he say?

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman]  I have no clue.  I have translators, but I couldn't even understand that.

LUMBERJACK

I cant do that [mumbles].

FAIRYBOY

Did you just say something about a cat?

LUMBERJACK

Hypnotized [mumbles].

BRITTANYMAN

[to Wayne]  Hey, I understood part of that!  Hurry find out how to de-hypnotize someone!

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman]  Oh, that's easy just hit them in the forehead with the palm of your hand.

FAIRYBOY

[to Wayne]  How'd you know that?  What, you hypnotized someone before?

WAYNE

[says hesitantly]  N-n-no.

BRITTANYMAN

[to Wayne]  You know what, I don't want to think of all the things you'd hypnotize a girl to do, so I'll just de-hypnotize this guy and get it over with.  [hits Lumberjack on head, de-hypnotizing him]

LUMBERJACK

Oh thank heavens you did that lass, I was startin' to lose it there for a moment.  [looks at Fairyboy]  Why's that lad look like a wee girl?  And how come that blue haired lass hypnotized me, makin' me do all that?

FAIRYBOY

Did you just say blue haired girl?

LUMBERJACK

Yeah, I sure did.  She was a bit off, that one.  She was about yer age, too.  I should really tell the authorities bout 'er.

BRITTANYMAN

Look, she's really an okay person, just a bit off like you said, so could you not?  I can make it worth your while.

LUMBERJACK

How could do ya do tha'?

BRITTANYMAN

With this.  [pulls out taser] Watch.  [shocks Fairyboy]

FAIRYBOY

[falls to the ground]

LUMBERJACK

That looks like a heap o' fun.  Mind if I try?

BRITTANYMAN

It's yours if you keep quiet.  [hands taser to Lumberjack]

LUMBERJACK

[shocks Fairyboy, who's still on the ground]

FAIRYBOY