Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Fairyboy / Tim McPeters

Natalia Babeschnoff

Ivan Babeschnoff

Wayne Mowery

Scene 1: Bugs, Bugs and More Bugs

NARRATOR

Over the two quiet weeks of relaxation Brittanyman had, it was rather hostile.  There were strange viruses and different strains of the flu spread all throughout Baltimore County.  That wasn't the only problem.

WAYNE

[says in congested voice]  This is just evil.  Who would want to do such a thing?  It almost makes me want to cry.

TIM

[says in congested voice]  Would you shut up!  It's only a computer worm!  It'll recover!  There are programmers working on the problem right n-n-[sneezes] now.

BRITTANYMAN

[enters headquarters]  You guys still sick?  That sucks.  I guess I won't have sidekicks then.  [looks at Tims  pink Strawberry Shortcake slippers]  Nice slippers.

WAYNE

[stands up and says angrily in congested voice]  Hey, what about my robe?

BRITTANYMAN

[looks at Waynes Care Bear robe]  Yes, Wayne you look pretty, too.

TIM

[says angrily in congested voice]  Why didn't you say I was pretty?

WAYNE

[says in congested voice]  Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

BRITTANYMAN

[pats Wayne on head]  Good, sidekick.

WAYNE

[sneezes on Brittanyman] 

BRITTANYMAN

[backs away from Wayne]  Eww.  [wipes snot covered hand on Tim]  What do you guys have?  I mean, I've got a really good immune system because of the super powers and everything, but I still don't want to catch it.

TIM

[says sarcastically in congested voice]  Right, like we know.  [says in plain congested voice]  No one's sure what any of us have.  They've even got doctors at Johns Hopkins working on it.

WAYNE

The only one that's come close to finding out what it is was some crackpot old doctor that lost his license. 

BRITTANYMAN

That's strange.  How'd you find out about that?  I never heard about it on the news or anything.

WAYNE

[says in congested voice]  Well, uh, I found it in a, um, Internet search.

TIM

[says in congested voice]  An Internet search for what?

WAYNE

[mumbles]

TIM

What?  I couldn't hear you?

WAYNE

[says in congested voice]  Hot Russian babes.

BRITTANYMAN

You're such a pervert.

WAYNE

[says in low, congested voice]  I know.  [sneezes] 

Scene 2: Russian Doctor

NARRATOR

After researching on the web what happed to Dr. Babeschnoff, a Russian doctor and theorist hyperthermia (extremely hot body temperature) specialist, it seemed he was sued for malpractice when it was reported he was practicing gynecology when he wasn't a specialist in the field.  Thankfully, all the patients were adult and weren't taken advantage of, or assaulted.  Dr. Babeschnoff was now a Romany, or gypsy, doctor, keeping with his Russian heritage. 

BRITTANYMAN

[says to Wayne so he can hear her through wire]  Are you sure that this is going to work?  The camera lens is really small and you haven't tested it out yet.  

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman]  Don't worry I already tried it out.

BRITTANYMAN

[to Wayne]  On what?

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman defensively]  Hey!  That's none of your business!

BRITTANYMAN

[to Wayne]  Okay, okay.  I'll just go then.  [enters Dr. Babeschnoff's waiting room in a small building behind his house]

NARRATOR

Luckily, the first person Brittanyman would meet at the doctor's office was Natalia, who wouldn't have a problem scheduling an appointment for a stranger at the last minute.  She was just like her father in many respects, she was Russian and smart, but she was much nicer.

NATALIA

[says in thick Russian accent]  Vat can I help you with?

BRITTANYMAN

Can I get an appointment with Doctor, um, I'm not sure how to pronounce it, Babe-snuff?  I dont already have one, but its important.

NATALIA

Vell, Papa would not want to schedule another appointment, but it's a very slow week, so I guess I could squeeze you in.  [pauses and smiles]  It's Ba-bay-shnuff.

BRITTANYMAN

Thanks!  I really need to see Doctor [pauses to make sure to say it properly] Babeschnoff.  So, he's your father?

NATALIA

Yes, I'm only working here as a receptionist because he is.  I'm actually a computer programmer.

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman]  Wow, she's hot Russian, and knows how to use a computer.  She's perfect.  [sighs]

BRITTANYMAN

[shakes head]  Can I go back now?

NATALIA

Vell, of course.  But, vhere did you get that spandex?  I love that color.

BRITTANYMAN

Oh, um, I just had this outfit custom made at a dry cleaners.  They usually have extra fabric hanging around.  [walks into examining room]

BABESCHNOFF

Hello, I am Doctor, I mean, Ivan Babeschnoff.  I'm not exactly a doctor anymore.

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, I hope not.  You are a gypsy right?  I mean, I hate Western medicine.

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman]  What does the West have to do with medicine?  You mean how cowboys would suck snake venom out of each other?  [pauses to think about what he just said] Suck, ha! [laughs]

BABESCHNOFF

Now, let's get to the physical.  First I'll need you to take off your [gets cut off by Brittanyman]

BRITTANYMAN

Hold it right there!  I know all about your gynecology practices!  And for your information I'm underage!  Now, tell me the cure to the virus before I tell the authorities!

BABESCHNOFF

You can't seriously be black mailing me to turn over my own daughter!

BRITTANYMAN, WAYNE

Huh?

NATALIA

[enters room]  You pink spandex covered idiot!  Don't you understand that my computer virus will get back at those attornies that prosecuted my father!  Those morons couldn't possibly function without their precious computers!

BRITTANYMAN

I was talking about all those strange fevers going around.  Doctor Babeschnoff, your specialty is dealing with hyperthermia.  You must've started it.

NATALIA

No, my father may not be officially practicing, but he still upholds his Hippocratic oath.

BRITTANYMAN

I thought he was Russian.

NATALIA

No, it means he has a duty to help all his patients and not cause illness to anyone, basically.

BABESCHNOFF

I didn't start the fevers, but in my experience I can tell you what probably did.

BRITTANYMAN

What?