Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Fairyboy / Tim McPeters

Natalia Babeschnoff

Ivan Babeschnoff

Nurse Fredericks

Officer McFeeley

Wayne Mowery

Scene 1: Five Seconds Later

BABESCHNOFF

Most likely the fevers, from what I've been able to discover, is started by an enzyme from trees, which once extracted can become airborne.

BRITTANYMAN

So what youre saying is, that this whole mini-epidemic was started by a gardener?  That's it?

NATALIA

Hardly, it was started by denderpheliacs.

BRITTANYMAN

This whole thing was started by tree screwing perverts!  I wish I knew who they were!  I'd give them a piece of my mind! [sneezes and then says in congested voice]  Man, now I have it!

NATALIA

It's okay.  My father is a genius.  He came up with an antibiotic for it.

BRITTANYMAN

Give it to me!  Please!  I don't want to be all sickly!

BABESCHNOFF

[walks over to  cabinet and gets out bottle of thick white liquid and a cup]  This may taste nasty and youll vant to spit it out, but you have to swallow it.

WAYNE

[laughs]  This is just too funny! [laughs] Spit, swallow, it's just too much! [laughs]

BRITTANYMAN

[drinks antibiotic] Wow!  I feel better already!  Now, I gotta go stop those freaks!

BABESCHNOFF

If it will help, I can tell you where I hear most of them hang out.  I wasn't really practicing gynecology, one of my patients went to this greenhouse club where denderpheliacs hung out, and I treated her, and she told the man that run the place about it.  That man was a policeman named McFeeley.  He was able to get my license revoked to keep me quiet because he said, "That's the least of what I can do.  The place is called The Tree Huggers."

BRITTANYMAN

[says quickly while backing out of office]  Thank you so much!  I'm sorry about the whole thinking you were the guy that got us all sick mix-up.  I'm glad we could straighten this out, and, uh, Natalia, get rid of that virus thing or at least make it smaller.  Okay, bye!  [runs out waiting room door]

WAYNE

[to Brittanyman] I got the address of the club and from where you are you can make it in twenty minutes on foot like you are, but from where I'm at I can be there in five on the Brittanymancycle.  It's open from midnight to dusk, so no one but McFeeley would be there.  Tim will be with me so it's good.

BRITTANYMAN

[to Wayne] Got it.  See you guys there.

TIM

Let's rock and roll! [pauses] I'm thinking of using that as my catch phrase, what do you think?

WAYNE

I think you should just stick to wearing your dress and fairy wings and not catch phrase writing.

TIM

Shut up, you can't even have a catch phrase or a costume; you're the tech guy.

 Scene 2: The Head Tree Hugger

FAIRYBOY

[enters club and looks around]  Okay, it's cool you can come in, but brace yourself.  It's not pretty.

WAYNE

[enters club]  What do you- [pauses and notices surroundings] Holy shit!  [walks over to birch greenhouse portion of the club and stares at birch tree]  Is that cum!

FAIRYBOY

[walks past birch tree to stand in front of oak tree with chains on it] These really are some sick weirdoes.

OFFICER MCFEELEY

[enters room] That depends on your idea of a sick weirdo. [locks greenhouse door] Who are you?  Did Babeschnoff send you?

FAIRYBOY

[says in serious tone] No, our boss Brittanyman did.  And in order to carry out her plan, we'll start kicking your ass now.

MCFEELEY

You must be confused, my cousin George McFeeley is the one that owns the bestiality club.  I'm Tom McFeeley.

FAIRYBOY

Is your whole family filled with perverts?!?

MCFEELEY

Well, if you still wanna fight me, good luck cause I'm gone.  [unlocks door, locks door from outside, drops something on ground, and sprints out of club]

FAIRYBOY

Great, now we're locked in here.

WAYNE

[laughs] How stupid are you?  We're in a glass room.  We could just smash in one of the windows.

FAIRYBOY

Great idea!  [runs to back of greenhouse, charges at door and  knocks himself back onto ground]

                                                     WAYNE

[picks Fairyboy off of ground] I meant that I would do it.  I would leave a dent, at least.  A fly would leave more of a crack than you.

FAIRYBOY

Well it would have to be a pretty fat fly.

WAYNE

Whatever. [runs back, charges at door, smashes through door, and falls on top of thing McFeeley dropped]  Oh my God, it's a bomb!

FAIRYBOY

If it were a bomb, wouldn't it explode?

WAYNE

Oh yeah.

[bomb explodes from underneath Wayne]

BRITTANYMAN