Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Rachael Brennskag

Sergeant Bob

Sarah Miller

50 Cent

Scene 1: Losing a Sidekick and Gaining a Different Partner

BRITTANYMAN

[cries] Why did he have to go?

WAYNE

You know he had no choice.

BRITTANYMAN

That's not true!  Instead of becoming a superhero in his own right he could of stayed with me!  I miss him already! [cries]

WAYNE

You know he didn't want to be Fairyboy forever.  He's probably much happier now as Gnomeman.

BRITTANYMAN

I don't care!  I want my little Fairyboy back!  Pink tutu, combat boots and all!

WAYNE

Why can't I be your new partner?  I mean, I'm already your sidekick.  You could just give me a name.

BRITTANYMAN

[sniffles] Really?  I can name you anything I want?

WAYNE

Yeah, sure.  As long as it makes you feel better because a sad superhero is a bad superhero.

BRITTANYMAN

I shall call you Cujo.

WAYNE

Why Cujo?  Wasn't that the dog in the Stephen King movie?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, but it's an acronym for something.

WAYNE

You mean those poems with the letters going down?

BRITTANYMAN

No, I mean that the letters C-U-J-O stand for something.

WAYNE

What?

BRITTANYMAN

Constant unstoppable jacking off.

WAYNE

Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

BRITTANYMAN

All we need now is a costume for you.

WAYNE

Do you know anyone that could help with that?

BRITTANYMAN

Let me make a couple of calls. [picks up phone and dials number]

[phone rings]

RACHAEL

[answers phone] Hello, Rachael speaking.

BRITTANYMAN

Hey Rachael it's Brittanyman.  I need your help with something.

RACHAEL

Yeah, sure thing, hold on a second. [yells away from phone] Put that stuff out, I'm on the phone.[pauses] Come on, the smoke is coming out from under the door.  I can smell it from here, it's not [pauses] whoa, my phone is huge!  I want Doritos!  Do you have Doritos?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, and as soon as you get Sarah to make sure you'll get here okay, you can have them.

RACHAEL

Okay, as long as I get my Doritos! [hangs up phone]

BRITTANYMAN

[hangs up phone] Don't worry Wayne, you'll be Cujo before you know it.

NARRATOR

When Rachael finally stopped staring at all the colors she traced with her hand in the air, she was able to get a move on and get Sarah to go to the headquarters.

SARAH

[enters headquarters, pulling on Rachaels arm] Sorry we're so late, but Rachael insisted on stopping every three seconds so that she could see how big her feet had supposedly gotten.

RACHAEL

[enters room] Where are the Doritos?

BRITTANYMAN

Don't act like youre high Rachael, I know you're not.  Another of my super powers, but I need your help on making Cujo here a costume for crime fighting.

SARAH

Okay, he's gonna need a utility belt, a cape, boots, and some lotion if his name is going to be Constant Unstoppable Jacking Off.

WAYNE

How did you know that was what Cujo meant?

SARAH

I know the way she thinks and I know you.

BRITTANYMAN

Don't even try to act offended you know its true. [pauses] You heard her, you have to get lotion to go with your theme.

WAYNE

Okay, I think I have some KY Jelly in my desk. [goes to desk, opens drawer and pulls out bottle] I have dry skin.

BRITTANYMAN

Look, we don't have to know about that. 

Scene 2: The New Gangsta In Town

NARRATOR

The neon green jumpsuit with a black utility belt (carrying the KY), the purple cape to match Brittanyman's, and black rain boots made Wayne, or Cujo, feel like a superhero.

CUJO

This is so cool!  I could like, hurt somebody in this!  This is awesome!

BRITTANYMAN

Absolutely.  You look very fierce. [pauses and then laughs] I'm sorry I just couldn't hold that in.  I'm starting to think Fairyboy was more intimidating than you, but you were put in the hospital for getting blown up so that gives you credibility.

CUJO

That's right!  I have street cred!  I'm gangsta!  50 Cent ain't got nothin' on me!  I could be the next Eminem, only I was blown up!  That's even cooler than getting shot nine times!  You know what?  I'm gonna get some bling! [puts on various faux gold chains] 

BRITTANYMAN

Oh yes, you look so thug.

CUJO

Damn straight, beotch!

BRITTANYMAN

[glares at Cujo]

CUJO

Sorry.

[alarm sounds]

BRITTANYMAN

Someone's in trouble, let's go! [runs out of room, jumps on Brittanymancycle and begins to ride away]

CUJO

What are you doing?  You can't leave me here!

BRITTANYMAN

You're a gangsta, go get yourself a pimp mobile with hydraulics. [drives away]

Scene 3: The Army Sucks

BRITTANYMAN

[bursts into large military tent] What do you want?

SERGEANT BOB

[barks statements in military fashion] You will address me as Sir Sergeant Bob, young lady.  You have special abilities that would be very useful to the U.S. Army and we would like to recruit you and place you in boot camp.

BRITTANYMAN

I have no problem with violence, but I'm not about to go into boot camp.

SERGEANT BOB

[barks statements in military fashion] I said you will address me as Sir!  Not only will you go to boot camp, but youll do push ups and like them!

BRITTANYMAN

No way!  The boots are kick ass, but I'm not about to get barbed wire on my ass!

SERGEANT BOB

Yes you will! [barks order] Drop and give me fifty!

50 CENT

[enters tent] Did somebody say fifty?

CUJO

That's right  50 Cent and G-g-g-g-g-g-G Unit in the hizzle!  You said I should get a pimp mobile, so I found someone with one!

50 CENT

That's right, you are a real P-I-M-P!  You are so down, you got blown up, yo!

SERGEANT BOB

[barks order] If she won't drop for me, you will!

50 CENT

Time to shut this bitch up! [pulls out gun and shoots Sergeant Bob]

SERGEANT BOB