Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Fairyboy / Tim McPeters

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Preacher Brown

Scene 1: The Return of Fairyboy

BRITTANYMAN

What was that noise?

CUJO

The hell if I know.  Probably a squirrel or something in the trees looking for nuts. [laughs] Nuts!  Ha!

[noise in the trees outside headquarters window]

BRITTANYMAN

That was definitely not a squirrel!

FAIRYBOY

[jumps out of tree and breaks through window, speaking with signs of intoxication] Guess it wasn't long before you replaced me. [staggers over to Cujo] What are you doing with this? [grabs lotion bottle off of utility belt] What kind of gadget that you have is this for?

CUJO

Dude, what is wrong with you?  You've definitely been drinking 'cause you've got puke on your dress and Mardi Gras beads.

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, you look like a sad prom date.  What's wrong with you?

FAIRYBOY

What's wrong with me? [throws lotion bottle onto floor] What's wrong with me?  I was never able to be taken seriously after being your little bitch.  No one would want help from me.  They wouldn't even when I changed my name to Gnomeman.  Now I'm back here. 

Why are you being such an ass hole about it?  You never had it that rough with us, you could've stayed.  I wanted you to stay and now [fakes crying] I'm not so sure I want you to. And you were never my bitch.

FAIRYBOY

[beginning to sound sober] Thank you.

BRITTANYMAN

You were my little princess.

FAIRYBOY

[throws up] I'm not feeling so good. [passes out]

BRITTANYMAN

We need to clean that up.  You have any paper towels or anything?

CUJO

Here you go. [pulls tissues out of utility belt and hands them to Brittanyman]

BRITTANYMAN

I don't even want to ask. [cleans up Fairyboy and his vomit]

FAIRYBOY

[wakes up] Oh my head, oh my stomach, I feel like crap!

BRITTANYMAN

That should teach you young ladies can't hold their tequila.

FAIRYBOY

Oh my God!

CUJO

What hurts now?

FAIRYBOY

Nothing, I just remembered how I got all these Mardi Gras beads.

BRITTANYMAN

How'd you get them?

FAIRYBOY

From an old man with candy named Preacher Brown.  I was drinking and really hungry, and he made me do things for them.

CUJO

Like what?

FAIRYBOY

He made me dance around and sing "I'm a Little Teapot" and "Ooops! I Did It Again."  I don't know what I was thinking. [hangs head down in shame]

CUJO

It's not your fault, he took advantage of you in your weakened state.

BRITTANYMAN

No one takes advantage of little boys in dresses other than me!  He is not going to get away with this!

FAIRYBOY

I remember where he lives, if you guys want to ambush him.

BRITTANYMAN

What do you mean by you guys?  You're my sidekick, you're coming with us.

FAIRYBOY

Really?  You want me to come?  After I left?  Really?

BRITTANYMAN

Does Wayne like hot Russian chicks?

FAIRYBOY

You do mean it!  Yeah!  Now let's go get that dirty old man!

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO, FAIRYBOY

[get on Brittanymancycle and go to Preacher Browns house]

PREACHER BROWN

What in the good Lord's name are all you hooligans doing here?

CUJO

This! [pulls lotion bottle out of utility belt and squirts Preacher Brown in the eyes with it, then does Western style gun move and puts it back]

FAIRYBOY

I'm the one he hurt, let me get him! [bangs Preacher Brown on head with wand]

BRITTANYMAN

My turn! [gives Preacher Brown a wedgie]

PREACHER BROWN

The Lord will smite you heathens down for this!  He will send you to the burning pits of hell! 

CUJO

Whatever, if the Catholics are right, then I'm already on my way there.

BRITTANYMAN

I don't care if you are a preacher, you're still a pervert! [kicks Preacher Brown]

PREACHER BROWN

That is it you demon woman!  Now Jesus won't even love you after that!

FAIRYBOY

If that'll make Jesus hate her, then what will this do! [kicks Preacher Brown in the groin] Take that!

PREACHER BROWN

[falls to the ground] Please stop.  I'll do anything, just stop.

BRITTANYMAN

Anything, huh?  Then I want you to say something in front of us, God, Jesus, and everyone in Heaven.

PREACHER BROWN

What?  I'll say anything if it will get you to stop.

BRITTANYMAN

You tell him, boys.

CUJO, FAIRYBOY

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. [kick Preacher Brown in the groin]

PREACHER BROWN