Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Mary

Max

Scene1: Life Without Fairyboy

NARRATOR

Brittanyman was proving to have a tough time learning to manage without her beloved sidekick, Fairyboy, when he chose to live his newly discovered alternative lifestyle. 

BRITTANYMAN

[watching television and eating ice cream] You moron!  How could you leave her!  Screw your being happy!  Think about her!  She doesn't need to move on!

CUJO

[takes ice cream away] You've had enough.  Get out of my robe and do what Fairyboy said.

BRITTANYMAN

[cries and stands up] Don't say his name!  He'll always be my Fairyboy, not yours!  If you have to call him anything, make it Tim.  He's my Fairyboy, got it!

CUJO

Nothing's happened since he's gone, but you have start fighting.  He wouldn't want you to go back on your word.

BRITTANYMAN

I never gave him my word, but I bet you kept up your end of the bargain.

CUJO

See!  Now that's how you need to act!  With attitude! Not like a [gets cut off]

[alarm beeps]

CUJO

You heard that; let's go. [begins to walk, but stops in doorway] Come on! [exits]

BRITTANYMAN

[says, showing annoyance] I'm coming, I'm coming. [eats spoonful of ice cream before leaving]

Scene 2: Perfect Match

NARRATOR

After following the signal to its source, Brittanyman and Cujo were actually unsurprised at what they found.

MAX

Good to see you again, Brittanyman.

MARY

Good to see you again, Cujo.

BRITTANYMAN

Max?  Who's she?

CUJO

Mary?  Who's he?

MARY

Max, honey, let me explain it to them.

MAX

Go right ahead, Mary.

MARY

[to Max] Okay. [to Brittanyman and Cujo] Cujo, you know me from a couple of weeks ago as the candy striper at the hospital.  Brittanyman, I'm Mary.  You already know my boyfriend, Max.  As you both have probably guessed, [to Cujo] I'm your biggest fan, [to Brittanyman] and Max is yours.

MAX

[to Mary] I can take over now. [to Brittanyman and Cujo] We have an understanding.  Brittanyman, you said it yourself that you wouldn't with anyone except maybe for me.

BRITTANYMAN

First of all, it figures you two are together.  Second of all, [tone changes to irratic] I was only kidding!  That's just plain skanky!  And stupid!  Who would want to hook up with a groupie!

CUJO

Hey, have you ever heard of taking one for the home team? 

BRITTANYMAN

What is wrong with you?  Are you sick?  You know what?  You want me to fight so here! [punches Cujo out]

MAX

You wouldn't want to hurt a fan, would you?

BRITTANYMAN

Sure I would. [punches out Max]

MARY

You wouldn't hit a girl, right?

BRITTANYMAN

Wrong, I'm all about gender equality. [punches out Mary]

CUJO

[regains consciousness and stands up] I just want you to know, I only said that to give you your fighting strength back.

BRITTANYMAN

Thanks.

CUJO

You're welcome.

BRITTANYMAN