Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Shayne Edwards

Edwin Schwinn

Angela Martini

Ms. Dadura

Matt Smith

Scene1: Not Moving On

BRITTANYMAN

[starts fire in a trash can and gathers various things]

WAYNE

What are you doing?

BRITTANYMAN

Getting rid of everything that reminds me of Fairyboy.

WAYNE

Why aren't you burning his costume?

BRITTANYMAN

I still want to remember parts of him.  It's not like I want to forget him entirely.  After all, he was my fav- [stops to avoid saying favorite]

WAYNE

There you go again!  Always talking about Fairyboy and how he was your little princess and your favorite!  I'm sick of it!

BRITTANYMAN

It's nothing against you, it's just that he wore a dress.

WAYNE

Is that what you want?  Me to put on a dress.  Fine, have it your way! [grabs Fairyboys dress and puts it on haphazardly over clothes,  so that it's hardly on] Happy now?  This is what you want, right?

BRITTANYMAN

Actually, I'd prefer it if you not wear a dress.

WAYNE

[takes dress off] Then what do you want me to do?

BRITTANYMAN

First, put on your costume.  Then, turn on all the monitors and alarms so that we can see if there's any unusual activity.  I feel like kicking evil's ass today.

WAYNE

[pulls off clothes to reveal costume underneath and turns on monitors]

BRITTANYMAN

Why do you have your costume on underneath your clothes?

CUJO

You never know when you have to be ready for action. [laughs] Action.  Ha!

BRITTANYMAN

At least you didn't say it was because you like wearing a jump suit.  I hate how tight this spandex is.

WAYNE

[says uneasily] Yeah, uh, me too.

ANGELA

[bursts into headquarters] You guys have to do something about Shayne!

BRITTANYMAN

Why?  What's wrong with Shayne?

ANGELA

He's gone completely nuts!  He keeps grabbing random people and taking them somewhere!  And while you're at it you can do something about those bastard teachers giving us so much homework!

CUJO

Brittanyman, we have to do something.  This can't go on any longer.

BRITTANYMAN

I know; Shayne's our friend.  What kind of friends would we be if we didn't do anything to help him?

CUJO

Forget about Shayne!  I don't want to do homework either!

Look, as much as I hate projects we have to help him.  Thanks for letting us know what was going on, Angela.  [jumps on Brittanymancycle] Move it, or I'll leave you behind!

CUJO

You can't do that, I'm your sidekick!

ANGELA

Oh yes she can!  Don't you know that the hero that reluctantly takes on a sidekick is a trademark of plots for comic books and the movies they inspire?  How much of an idiot do you have to be to not know that?

BRITTANYMAN

[laughs] Yeah, really.

CUJO

[throws arms up in the air] Fine, I'll get on the bike!  You don't have to make fun of me to get your point across. [gets on Brittanymancycle]

ANGELA, BRITTANYMAN

Yes we do.

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

[drive away on Brittanymancycle]

Scene2: From Victim to Villain

CUJO

Why would you want to go to school on the weekend?

BRITTANYMAN

I don't want to, but my supersonic hearing tells me that this is where Shayne is.

SHAYNE

Ah, so good of you to come Brittanyman and Cujo.  I was looking forward to your arrival.  Please adjourn to the cafeteria, then we can discuss the goings-on here.

BRITTANYMAN

Why are you talking like that?

CUJO

Yeah, you sound like a teacher.

SHAYNE

It is not said as yeah, but as yes.  Speak properly you buffoon!

BRITTANYMAN

Nobody insults my sidekicks but me!  Friend or not, you're getting it!

SHAYNE

I say, there's no need for violence you silly girl!

BRITTANYMAN

Don't push it, Shayne!  I'll make you my bitch if I have to! [smacks Shayne]

SHAYNE

Whoa, thanks.  They had me completely brainwashed!

CUJO

Who did?

SHAYNE

The teachers!  That's why they've been giving us so much homework and setting so many guidelines and deadlines!

CUJO

I knew it!  Where are they?

SHAYNE

In the school basement.  I don't want to scare you, but it's pretty gruesome.

Scene3: In The Basement

MS. DADURA

Say it!  Say what you're supposed to say! [smacks Edwin across face with belt]

EDWIN

[cries] Okay, okay. [takes deep breath] Clay Aiken is the best singer ever.  Ruben won American Idol because of an elaborate conspiracy involving the producers of the show and other pop singers that were frightened and intimidated by his massive talent.

MS. DADURA

[raises belt] And?

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

[enter room]

BRITTANYMAN

And you're a demented wacko!  What are you doing with all these electrodes, belts and whips?  No student, no matter how often they don't do their homework deserves that! [pauses] Okay, except maybe EJ, but you shouldn't make him say Clay Aiken is the best singer ever!  Haven't you ever heard of the band, Plastic Tree?  They're a lot better than him!

CUJO

Are you kidding me, Brittanyman?  Tupac was so much better!  He was a rapper, singer and a lyricist!  If he's not the best ever, then my homies 50 Cent and Eminem are!

BRITTANYMAN

Shut up, and help me fight her.

CUJO

I don't know, I mean, she's always been nice to me.

BRITTANYMAN

If we get rid of her, then the eighth grade teachers won't know what to do while she's missing because they'll want to find her.  That means no homework for us.

CUJO

Get her! [tackles Ms. Dadura and beats her unconscious]

BRITTANYMAN

Where do you think we should put her?

CUJO

I don't know, where does no one ever go?

BRITTANYMAN

I got it!  We can stash her in one of the unused rooms in the school and we can get Matt to get the keys to it for us because he's President of the SGA and all, so we can keep an eye on her and let all the kids she's harassed get their revenge on her, but first [looks at devices of torture and then at E.J.]

EDWIN

No!  Don't do it! [wriggles in bindings]

CUJO

[grabs electrodes and puts them on E.J.s head] This is going to be fun.

BRITTANYMAN

[grabs belt] Sure is. [flips switch to turn on electrodes]

EDWIN

[twitches in chair] Owww!

BRITTANYMAN

[flips off switch] How long do you think we can keep this up until we get caught or he dies?

CUJO

I don't know, but I think we should sell tickets and let people have their fair shot at him.

MATT

[enters room] I'll buy one!  I heard you guys say my name and then SGA, so I figured I'd come down to see what you were doing.  Do you guys think we could organize this into a fundraiser for the SGA so that we could raise money to [gets cut off by Brittanyman]

BRITTANYMAN

As great as an idea as that is, I have a better one.  Why don't you torture E.J.?

MATT

How?

BRITTANYMAN