Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Rachael Brennskag

Wayne Mowery

Angela Martini

Sarah Miller

Iona Trailer

Scene1: School's Out                

NARRATOR

Brittanyman's alter ego, Brittany Law, quickly jumps from her seat on the last day of school as the final buzzer sounded.  She then headed down the hallway with her friends outside as they awaited their buses.

ANGELA

Finally, school's over!  I'm sick of all these evil teachers!

SARAH

Yes Angela, they are evil.

RACHAEL

I can't wait to get home.  Episodes eighty-seven through one hundred are out for Prince of Tennis. 

ANGELA

You're lucky, I have to chaperone another camping trip with all those little midgets.  They better not bite me again, or else.

BRITTANY

Why, are you going to throw-up on them again?

ANGELA

No, I've made friends with a certain someone who will take care of them for me if they get out of hand.

SARAH

Who?  Did you call that guy that would break their knees for you?

ANGELA

Nope, Brittanyman.

RACHAEL

Who's he?  Is he some type of superhero or something?

BRITTANY

Why is it that just because someone has man at the end of their superhero name, everyone just assumes they're a guy?!?

ANGELA, RACHAEL, SARAH

[all turn and stare at Brittany for a moment]

SARAH

Right. [pauses]  Well, I know who she is. [pauses]  She's the superhero with the incredible abilities of picking up heavy stuff, jumping over a trailer park without falling, cussing out entire mobs of evil-doers, and most importantly [dramatic pause] X-ray vision.

BRITTANY

Hey, don't forget the supersonic hearing.

ANGELA, RACHAEL, SARAH

[stare at Brittany]

BRITTANY

[says uneasily] That's just what I heard about her.

NARRATOR

Oddly enough, almost immediately after Brittany said that, she heard a distance voice with a southern belle accent call for help.

IONA TRAILER

Oh, no!  Whatever shall I do to get this heavy log out of my way?

BRITTANY

Uh, guys, I have to go, um, bye! [dashes away]

ANGELA

When do you think she's gonna tell us that she's Brittanyman?  I mean, glasses don't make her look that different.

RACHAEL

Yeah, but she does have the pink spandex.

SARAH

Dont forget the cape.

Scene 2:  Meeting the Bad Guy

NARRATOR

After changing into her pink spandex, purple cape and putting on her cats-eye glasses, Brittanyman headed to the somewhat deserted area from where she heard the distressed woman.  Little did she know that the woman was there to rescue from a fallen tree, wait a minute.  Fallen tree!  That's what she was gonna save that whiney little southern brat from! I mean- [clears throat] That southern woman was Iona Trailer, one of the most notorious villains in Baltimore County.

BRITTANYMAN

[jumps in front of Iona Trailer]  I'm Brittanyman and I'm here to [pauses and looks around]  Hey, where's the log?

IONA TRAILER

I already know who you are, but I do believe we have yet to be acquainted.  My name is Iona Trailer, and I have a proposition for you.

BRITTANYMAN

Are you one of those creepy superhero groupies?  Because I'm not into the whole getting propositioned by fans things.

IONA TRAILER

No, you stupid girl.  I am what you would call a villain.  I am about to do the clichéd move of making you decide between saving your friend and defeating me.

BRITTANYMAN

You took one of my friends!  You whore!

IONA TRAILER

I most certainly am not a prostitute!  Now, as I was saying I took a friend of yours.  [pulls back conveniently placed curtain in between two trees revealing a slowly lowering guillotine hanging over a long wooden table and Brittany's friend]

WAYNE

Save me!  I'm gonna die!

BRITTANYMAN

Oh, him?  You can kill him, I was afraid you had someone I would actually care about.  You might as well let him go.

IONA TRAILER

I see what you're trying to do and it won't work!  Reverse psychology isn't going to get you out of this, Brittanyman!

BRITTANYMAN

No, seriously.  I really don't care.  He probably doesn't remember my name.

WAYNE

Hey, I'm right here!  I'm about to die so Brittanyman, that's right I remember your name, would you please untie me!

BRITTANYMAN

Only if you say it!  And don't act like you don't know what I mean!

WAYNE

I will as soon as you untie me!

BRITTANYMAN

No, I'll untie you as soon as you say it!

WAYNE

Fine. [sighs] Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

BRITTANYMAN

Okay, whatever your name is I guess I'll be saving him, after I do this. [lifts hood up on Iona's jacket and pushes her to the ground] Ha, ha! [walks over to Wayne and unties him]

IONA TRAILER

[storms away screaming] We will meet again Brittanyman!

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, whatever.  You suck, you know that!

IONA TRAILER

[still storming away screaming] I said I wasn't a prostitute!

BRITTANYMAN

I was talking to Wayne.