Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Gregory James

Casey Watts

Scene1: Washing Machines Suck

BRITTANYMAN

[calls to Cujo] What's taking you so long to come out here?  Why are you still behind that curtain you put up around your computer?  Are you doing what I think you're doing?

CUJO

If you think I'm hiding from you because my costume's all messed up, then you're right.

BRITTANYMAN

Well, I might be wrong depending on why your costume's messed up.

CUJO

It shrunk in the cold water.

BRITTANYMAN

What did?

CUJO

My costume!  What else would I be talking about? [pauses] Don't answer that.

BRITTANYMAN

By how much?

CUJO

I'll show you. [steps out to reveal the hems of jump suit are way too short] See!

BRITTANYMAN

How could a dry cleaner be stupid enough to let that happen?

CUJO

You're supposed to have it dry cleaned?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, why do you think my costume is always so fresh and so clean?

CUJO

You said so fresh and so clean! [raps Outkast song] Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean.  So fresh and so clean, clean.  Don't you think I'm so sexy I'm dressed so fresh so clean.  So fresh and so clean, clean.  Ain't nobody dope as me I'm dressed so fresh so clean.  So fresh and so clean, clean.  I love when you stare at me I'm dressed so fresh so clean. So fresh and so clean, clean. [pauses] Man, I really need to take Marshall up on his offer.

BRITTANYMAN

Homie, you be trippin'. [laughs] Whatever you say man, it's just we had better get going.  You don't want to be late, do you?

CUJO

[says with anticipation] What?  Did Natalia, Nurse Fredericks, or that chick from the club call?

BRITTANYMAN

[sighs] It wasn't one of your hoes.  I got a letter from the B-I-T-C-H.

CUJO

Oh, so it was a letter from Mary.  You know, you don't have to be ashamed of cursing.  You can say anything you want in front of me.

BRITTANYMAN

Actually, it was from the Brotherhood of International Truth Championing Heroes.

CUJO

You mean we finally got recognition as real superheroes?

BRITTANYMAN

No, I got recognition as a superhero.

CUJO

Then why am I going?

BRITTANYMAN

The letter said B.Y.O.B.

CUJO

Doesnt that mean bring your own bottle?

BRITTANYMAN

No, it means bring your own bitch.

Scene2: Australians Are Crazy

NARRATOR

On the way to the party held by a bunch of old, washed up superheroes, Brittanyman and Cujo were intercepted by another villain with a foreign ethnicity.

GREGORY JAMES

[speaks with Australian accent] G'day, mates!  How ya doin, Sheila?  I'm Gregory.  You miss your friend?

CASEY

[tries to wriggle free from ropes hanging him over crocodile pit] All these years of karate and someone knocks me out with a blow dart!

BRITTANYMAN

I'm not Sheila!  I'm Brittanyman!

CUJO

It figures youre an outlaw!  Australia was founded as a prison colony.

BRITTANYMAN

Why are you doing this?  Australians are cool! 

GREGORY JAMES

I used to be an actor.  I was up for the part of Crocodile Dundee, but I was afraid of them, but now I have learned to train them and I shall have them reek havoc on you Americans for payback!

CUJO

Dude, did you see the last Crocodile Dundee movie?  That was bad enough, don't do this.

GREGORY JAMES

I have to, mate.  I planned and worked too much on this and everyone knows how lazy we Australians are, I'm not going to waste all that time!

BRITTANYMAN

[pulls hood up over Gregory James and holds him over crocodile pit] If you want to live, you had better do what I say!

GREGORY JAMES

Sure, Sheila, I'll do anything.

BRITTANYMAN

[says in serious tone] First, call me Brittanyman.

GREGORY JAMES

Sure, sure.  Brittanyman, sorry, but us Australian men call all women Sheila because, as the studies have shown, Australia has the most promiscuous citizens, so calling all women Sheila eliminates the hassle of remembering names.

BRITTANYMAN

Second, call my partner here Mac Daddy Pimp, or Homie G, whichever you prefer.

GREGORY JAMES

Alright. [to Cujo] You're a Mac Daddy Pimp.

BRITTANYMAN

Good, now one last thing.

GREGORY JAMES

What is it?  I'm beginning to slip.

BRITTANYMAN

Say don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

GREGORY JAMES

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

BRITTANYMAN

[throws arms in air, letting go of Gregory James] He said it!

GREGORY JAMES

[falls into pit] Oh no!  That croc's gonna get me!

[crocodile jumps on back of Gregory James]

BRITTANYMAN

[looks away] I can't watch that crocodile eat him!

CUJO