Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Nurse Fredericks

Geckoman

Scene1: Taunting is Mean, But Funny

BRITTANYMAN

[enters headquarters] Guess I need to start calling you Fairyboy.

CUJO

[enters headquarters] Shut up!  How was I supposed to know it was a guy.  He fooled me with his seductive Russian accent.

BRITTANYMAN

You said seductive!  That means you were attracted to him!

CUJO

Can't we just drop this? [says pathetically] I feel so dirty.

BRITTANYMAN

You should after you threw yourself all over him!

CUJO

Shut up!  I need to call up someone to make me feel better. [dials Nurse Fredericks number]

[phone rings]

NURSE FREDERICKS

[answers phone] Hello, this is Eva.  Who's this?

CUJO

It's me, your hero.

NURSE FREDERICKS

I didn't expect to hear from you so soon.  Why did you call?

CUJO

I just wanted to know, how you were doing and you know, if you think I'm manly because I feel less macho than I usually do.

BRITTANYMAN

Less macho?  What's macho about a tight jumpsuit and being some girl's lackey?

CUJO

[yells away from phone] I am not talking to you!  Everything I say has nothing to do with you. [to Nurse Fredericks] I'm sorry, that girl in the pink that kept bothering me at the hospital is annoying me again.

NURSE FREDERICKS

Oh that sad, poor delusional girl.  I'd feel sorry for her, but in this country stalking is a crime.  I saw that on one of the police shows a couple nights ago.

CUJO

I know you did.

NURSE FREDERICKS

Vat? How did you know that?

CUJO

Oh, I um, well I uh, [pauses and changes the subject] Am I manly or not?

NURSE FREDERICKS

Yes, you are big macho man, now I have to go because I have to care of some old people at the hospital.  Good-bye. [hangs up phone]

CUJO

[hangs up phone] I do feel better.

BRITTANYMAN

Now that's great, but now [stops to listen using her supersonic hearing]

NARRATOR

Before Brittanyman could finish her insult, she was interrupted by the laugh of a half-man, half-animal would-be hero.

GECKOMAN

[guffaws] After this, no one but me will be left. [guffaws]

BRITTANYMAN

We have to go and stop another lunatic, so you better call your boyfriend in case you might not come back.

CUJO

Shut up, Brittanyman.

CUJO

Brittanyman, I'm not sure that we should be in the sewer.

BRITTANYMAN

Don't be such a wimp; at most it's toxic sludge.  If we're lucky we could be like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

CUJO

I don't care!  I don't want to smell like dead rats! [steps through tunnel and into surprisingly clean room] Look at this!  Dude, someone that lives down here must have a lot of time on their hands.

GECKOMAN

[steps out of shadows] Don't you mean claws?

BRITTANYMAN

[enters room] Ewww!  You're like all deformed and shit! [tone changes to upbeat] Do you want to play Stubbyball?  You know it's when you put your arms into your sleeves when you play basketball, but you've already got little arms so you wouldn't have to worry about it.

GECKOMAN

Silence!  At least I won't have to put up with your ignorance for long. [guffaws]

CUJO

What do you mean by that?

GECKOMAN

Since I am the result of my drunken computer geek dad screwing his pet gecko one night, I am by nature a freak.  I want to help people, but because I am a freak, no one wants my help.  So, I decided to rid Maryland of all its superheroes.  I've already made sure that Wacko Woman, Captain Creep and Violet are taken care of.  You're next.

CUJO

You got rid of Violet? [hugs Geckoman] Thank you!  That sick guy tried to get into my tights!

GECKOMAN

That was a man?!?  Oh my God!  I gave him my number!  Ewww!  I should've have known a woman so fine couldn't possibly have wanted to hook up with me! [runs away screaming]

CUJO

I told you that it was practically impossible for someone without super powers to tell that was a guy! 

BRITTANYMAN

Ha!  You said practically which means you could sort-of tell he was a guy, which means you're gay!

CUJO

Does not! [begins walking away]

BRITTANYMAN

Does too! [begins walking beside Cujo]

CUJO

Shut up! [begins running away]

BRITTANYMAN

I will not! [begins running]

CUJO

[trips and falls into muck] Owww!

BRITTANYMAN

Whoo-hoo!  I'm going to have a mutant sidekick!

CUJO

Shut up! [gets up] If anything I'm going to get my own super powers.

BRITTANYMAN

Like what?  Being able to masturbate for days on end?

CUJO