Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Natalia Babeschnoff

George McFeeley

Scene1: So Not Gay

WAYNE

Stop trying to say I'm gay!  Violet's gone so shut up about it!  I'm sick to my stomach just thinking of how I hit on that, that thing.

BRITTANYMAN

Don't talk about your man like that! [laughs]

WAYNE

Shut up!

BRITTANYMAN

Hey Wayne, [begins to sing] stand by your man.

WAYNE

I'm not like that!  I'm not a guy that likes hooking up with drag queens!

BRITTANYMAN

[goes over to laptop and opens page http://death2enrique.tripod.com] Then this will say what kind of gay man you are.

WAYNE

[walks over to laptop] What's that?  A poll?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, Sarah's got this so you can see what type of gay man you are, but since you keep denying you are I guess that you're either in the closet,  not completely gay, or into guys but not gay because you don't like rainbows.

WAYNE

I'm none of that because I'm not gay!  I'm into hot Russian chicks!

NATALIA

[enters headquarters] Did you mention me?

WAYNE

Well, yeah, I guess, sort-of.  What's wrong?

NATALIA

You're the only two people that I thought could do anything.  You know that McFeeley guy, right?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, we busted him, didn't we?

NATALIA

No, that was Tom McFeeley, I meant his cousin, George.

WAYNE

What about him?

NATALIA

His bestiality club is taking poor, defenseless animals and using them in their sick little ways.

WAYNE

[standing up and acting heroic] Brittanyman, we have to put an end to this!  How could someone commit such a vile act?   How could someone hurt natures magnificent creations like puppy dogs and little kitty cats?

BRITTANYMAN

I don't know, but they'd probably get goats, too.

WAYNE

And sheep.

NATALIA

What?

WAYNE

Uh, nothing, I just have to get changed.

BRITTANYMAN

Why?  Wouldn't Violet like that outfit?

WAYNE

Shut up, Brittanyman. [goes to change]

                                    NATALIA

Who's Violet?

Scene2: Perverts Are Nasty

BRITTANYMAN

Natalia didn't tell us this address, but I'm guessing this is it. [looks at sketchy, dimly lit building]

CUJO

[whines] I'm afraid to go inside!  That tree place was nasty with just trees, but little animals [trails off]

BRITTANYMAN

Stop being a whiny little sidekick!  You have a duty to save and protect people!  What would Natalia, or any other various Russian girlfriends that you have say if they saw you like this?

CUJO

They would say I was being a wimp.  I guess if it would make Natalia happy, I guess I'll go in and help save them.

BRITTANYMAN

Okay, you first.

CUJO

You're the superhero!  You need to make the grand entrance! 

BRITTANYMAN

No!  I want to be prepared for what's in there, so you go first!

CUJO

No you!

BRITTANYMAN

No you!

GEORGE MCFEELEY

[opens door] Why don't you both come in? [pulls Brittanyman and Cujo inside and shuts door]

BRITTANYMAN

[looks around at animals in cages] Holy shit!  Not only is this a bestiality club, it's an S&M club, too!

CUJO

It puts a whole new meaning to doggy style.  I never thought that when a dog would hump somebody's leg that they might actually enjoy it.

GEORGE MCFEELEY

Don't judge us!  So what if we like to commune with nature in a different way?  If you prick us will we not bleed?  If you tickle us will we not laugh? If you poison us will we not die?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, if we prick you you'll bleed, but you'll enjoy it and that makes all the difference!  And thanks for mentioning the poison, great idea.

CUJO

[looks around] Ewww!  Is that cat in bondage!  That's sick!  You wacko!  Die! [pummels George McFeeley]

GEORGE MCFEELEY

[says in perverted voice] Yeah, that's right.  Get rough with me.

CUJO

[jumps off of George McFeeley] Ewww!  I am not some little boy toy! 

NATALIA

[enters club] You're not?  I thought you were mine.

CUJO

Natalia!  What are you doing here?

NATALIA

I had to know who Violet was.  Brittanyman kept laughing every time I asked her, so I had to get it from you.  Who is she?  Do you like her more?

BRITTANYMAN

[laughs] Yeah Cujo, tell her who Violet is! [laughs]

CUJO

Shut up Brittanyman! [to Natalia] Violet was a, well, a, um, guy.

VIOLET

Vat?  You swing that vay?

CUJO

No!  I thought he was a she!  No one can take your place with me!

NATALIA

Okay, that's good. [exits club]

GEORGE MCFEELEY

You are a pimp!  I'm impressed.  You think you might like working here?  I could use a smooth guy like you.

CUJO

[acts flustered] Really?  I'm flattered.

BRITTANYMAN

Hey!  Stupid sidekick!  Are you forgetting that people have sex with animals here!

CUJO

[snaps out of it] Yeah! [to Brittanyman] I mean no. [to George McFeeley] Look you gerbil molesting bitch!

GEORGE MCFEELEY

[says in perverted voice] I'll bet you want to make me your bitch, huh?

BRITTANYMAN

[smacks George McFeeley] Nobody is going to be a pervert except for him!

CUJO

Shut up! He gives us boys that just happen to enjoy porn a bad wrap!

GEORGE MCFEELEY

[says in perverted voice] Brittanyman, why don't you smack me again because I've been a bad boy. [to Cujo] And speaking of wraps, I'll let you wrap mine up.

BRITTANYMAN

How are we going to beat him up if he keeps enjoying it?

CUJO

We could just turn him into the police and they could send him to prison for sodomy or animal abuse.

BRITTANYMAN

Good idea. [picks George McFeeley off the ground] When the boys find out what you're in for they'll just love you.  Remember: Don't drop your soap unless you want to be someone's bitch and you'll have to keep on dropping.

CUJO

What's that mean?

BRITTANYMAN