Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Squirrel Commander

Angela Martini

Matt Smith

Scene1: He Could  Be Gay After All

ANGELA, BRITTANY

[says in taunting voice] Wayne loves Matt!  Wayne loves Matt!

WAYNE

I do not!

MATT

What's going on?

ANGELA

Wayne loves you!

MATT

I only want to be friends okay.

WAYNE

Yeah, so do I, it's just these two made a big deal about a stupid little joke.

BRITTANY

Don't call your passion for him a joke!

MATT, WAYNE

We're not gay!

BRITTANY

Why not?

ANGELA

Yeah, gay men are fun!

MATT, WAYNE

Shut up!

BRITTANY

That's so cute they're already finishing each others sentences!

ANGELA

Do you guys want me to make your wedding invitations?  I can write them upside-down.

WAYNE

Really?

MATT

No you don't have to [looks at Wayne] because we're not getting married!

BRITTANY

Damn, and I wished Wayne good luck.

SQUIRREL COMMANDER

[jumps in] You must be a jinx. [grabs Angela away]

BRITTANY

[starts running away] Gotta go.

WAYNE

[starts running away] Me too.

MATT

[looks around while left alone] Bye. [starts walking away and begins singing] Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.  Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.  Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.  Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.  [trails off]

NARRATOR

Yes, they're evil squirrels.

CUJO

Brittanyman, how'd you get here to save Angela so fast?

BRITTANYMAN

Uh, I was in the neighborhood. [pauses and shakes head] I mean supersonic hearing, duh.  How stupid do you have to be to not figure that out?

CUJO

Stop picking on me! [enters headquarters of Squirrel Commander]

BRITTANYMAN

[enters headquarters of Squirrel Commander]  Angela!

ANGELA

[screams while hanging over vat of rabid squirrels]

SQUIRREL COMMANDER

This does not concern you!  It has been predestined in squirrel lore that she that suffers many bug bite dies by the paws of rabid squirrels as a sacrifice to our squirrel god, the Great Nutty One! [points to large half-man/half-squirrel statue]

BRITTANYMAN

I'm starting to think Geckoman's dad had a pet squirrel, too.  Anyway, [pushes Squirrel Commander into vat of squirrels].

SQUIRREL COMMANDER

No!  I made you rabid in the first place!  Ahhh! [gets covered by squirrels]

ANGELA, BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

[laugh at Squirrel Commander's misfortune]

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

[get Angela down]

ANGELA