Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Linda Evianiak

Contest Judge

Christopher

Matt Smith

Mina

Scene1: It's Just As Funny the Second Time

BRITTANY

Don't try and deny it!

WAYNE

I'm not denying anything!

LINDA

[steps in] What's Wayne denying? [pulls out wad of money] Look at my money I won from the lottery!

BRITTANY

He's denying his true feelings for Matt.

WAYNE

I don't love Matt!

MATT

[steps in and acts offended] You don't love me?  Why not?

WAYNE

It's not you, it's me.  I've got nothing against you, you're just not my [shakes head] what am I saying?  I'm not gay!

LINDA

What if I paid you two hundred dollars to be gay? [waves money around] As you know I've become an eccentric millionaire and I'll spend money on anything!

MATT

Would that be two hundred each?

WAYNE

Dude!  I can't believe you just said that!

BRITTANY

Yeah, any self-respecting gay man would come out of the closet when they felt the time was right.

MATT

But if I said I was gay, I'd be the first gay president of the SGA!  People would remember me for years to come!  I could, like, do interviews or something!

WAYNE

For what, like the school newspaper you're already the editor of?

MATT

No, I'm talking major press coverage.  Soon, instead of being second vice president of Baltimore County, I'll be president. [guffaws] First Baltimore County, then the world!

MINA

[steps in] Matt, you're so arrogant.  Why can't you be more humble?

MATT

Because I don't believe in denying my own talent.

BRITTANY

Then why are you denying your love for Wayne?

MATT

I'm not.

BRITTANY, LINDA, MINA, WAYNE

[stare at Matt for a moment]

MATT

Because I don't love him in the first place, therefore I'm not denying anything.

MINA

Yes, well, I don't want to go off the subject, but I would like you guys to come with me to compete for an award.

LINDA

What award? [waves money] I'll buy it from you if you win.

MINA

Best accent.

Scene2: Best Accent Contest

NARRATOR

At the Baltimore Convention Center, there was a gathering of people that had really, really cool accents because Baltimoreans aren't exactly articulate. 

BRITTANY

You'd think they're 'd be more people here.

CHRISTOPHER

[walks up behind Brittany] You would, wouldn't you?

BRITTANY

Christopher!

CHRISTOPHER

I'm sorry, do I know you?  I don't believe I recognize you?

BRITTANY

No, um I thought you were someone else named Christopher, sorry. [walks away from Christopher]

NARRATOR

Brittany had to keep her cool as she walked away from Christopher to keep her secret concealed, but Mina was too keen not to notice her change in demeanor.

MINA

Are you okay?

BRITTANY

Yeah, fine.  I'm just going to go to the bathroom now. [goes to bathroom to change into costume]

CHRISTOPHER

[waves gun into air] Everyone please get onto the ground before I have to start emptying my rounds.

WAYNE

I gotta go, too! [dashes to bathroom to change]

BRITTANYMAN

[jumps back into room] What's up, bitch?

CHRISTOPHER

Brittanyman!

CUJO

[jumps back into room] And me!

CHRISTOPHER

Who in bloody hell are you?

CUJO

I'm Cujo!

MINA

Hey Cujo, do you know where Brittany is?

BRITTANYMAN

When she heard the commotion she jumped out of the bathroom window.

MINA

How did you know that?

CUJO

She's got supersonic hearing.

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, and as you remember I have the ability to cuss out entire mobs of evildoers.  Do we have to play this game again, you little prissy English prick?

CHRISTOPHER

Don't use such words!

CUJO

You think that's bad? [to Mina] Don't judge me on this, okay?

MINA

All right, I suppose.

BRITTANYMAN

Cujo, do you want to take turns with this one?

CUJO

Yeah, sure!  You start.

BRITTANYMAN

Bastard. [points to Cujo]

CUJO

Fucktard. [points to Brittanyman]

BRITTANYMAN

Cock sucker. [points to Cujo]

CUJO

Why'd you say cocksucker and point to me?

BRITTANYMAN

[looks innocent] No reason.

CUJO

[to Brittanyman] Fine. [to Christopher] Ass hole. [points to Brittanyman]

BRITTANYMAN

Douche bag.

CHRISTOPHER

[looks at Brittanyman and Cujo and runs screaming away like a little girl]

CUJO

We beat him!  Oh yeah, we're bad!

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, we did, but at what cost?

CUJO

What do you mean?

BRITTANYMAN

What's Mina going to think about Americans? 

MINA

Don't worry about it, I've been in America for three years now, I know you're all very crude.

CONTEST JUDGE

Hello, I'm here judging the contests.  Mina, you won by a landslide for Best Accent and you two won in another category because we were impressed by your presentation.

CUJO

Which category?

CONTEST JUDGE