Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Rachael Brennskag

Linda Evianiak

Angela Martini

Snoop Dogg

Santa Claus

Matt Smith

Licorice

Scene1: Big Pimpin' Santa

ANGELA, BRITTANY, LINDA

You're Santa!

WAYNE

So what, I'm a cool Santa.

RACHAEL

You're Santa?  I hate you!  You want to ruin Hanukkah!

WAYNE

I do not.

BRITTANY

Yeah, Rachael, he just wants Matt to sit on his lap and tell him what he wants for Christmas.

ANGELA

Yeah, and then he'll wrap up a special present for him.

WAYNE

I will not, because I'm not gay!

BRITTANY

But Santa, don't you want to get your pimp on?

WAYNE

I dont need to be Santa to get my pimp on.

ANGELA

We should see the real Santa to see if he really does get his pimp on.

RACHAEL

But Santa's evil!  I don't trust him!  He's probably just wearing a beard to elude the cops to his true identity, like Scott Peterson did!

WAYNE

Has anyone ever told you that you're paranoid?

RACHAEL

No, but I'm sure that they talked about how I might be behind my back!

ANGELA

You know we'd never say anything about you.

RACHAEL

But Santa might!  How does he know our every move?  How can he know if were naughty or nice? 

LINDA

And how do we know he secretly likes it when were naughty?

BRITTANY

Really, how do we know?

ANGELA

[looks at Brittany to get point across] Yeah, someone should do something.

BRITTANY

Yeah, um, I gotta go rotate my tires. [leaves]

WAYNE

Me too. [leaves]

ANGELA

How stupid do they think we are?

LINDA

I don't know.

RACHAEL

They don't know we know.  Whoo-hoo!

LINDA

Don't know what? [pulls out money and waves it] I'll pay to know.

Scene2: At Da North Pole

CUJO

[shivers] Brittanyman, these tights aren't cutting it in the snow.

BRITTANYMAN

Stop complaining, my glasses are almost frozen to my head.

LICORICE

[walks out of igloo] You kids want to come in?

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

Yes! [scramble into igloo thats actually a camouflaged cabin] Ooooo.

LICORICE

Cool, isn't it?  Judging by your outfits you're here to apply for Santa's new, um, position. [giggles]

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

Huh?

LICORICE

Oh, sorry.  Guess you didn't know about Santa's special helpers.

BRITTANYMAN

Who are they and who are you?

LICORICE

I'm Licorice, and, well, Santa's special helpers, are, um...

CUJO

Special like retarded?

LICORICE

Not exactly. [giggles]

SANTA

[walks] Ho, ho, ho, are these my new hoes?

CUJO

Oh my God!  You are a pimp!

SANTA

You must be trippin' to have thought that I wasn't a pimp.

BRITTANYMAN

If you're a pimp, then how come you give presents to kids?

SANTA

It wasn't my idea.  My wife said it would be a good idea, so the cops would leave us alone. 

CUJO

Why would the cops bother you?

SANTA

Presents weren't the only things I used to run.

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

Huh?

SANTA

I used to be a drug dealer, but seeing all those happy kids felt better than seeing stoners get high.

CUJO

But it's not as funny!

SANTA

True dat.

SNOOP DOGG

[walks in] Snoopy D-O double gizzle is in the iglizzle, fo' shizzle.

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

Snoop Dogg!

SNOOP DOGG

That's right, cracker, I'm here with the original playa.

BRITTANYMAN

How is he the original player?

SNOOP DOGG

Come on, snowflake.  Be real.  How can a man go from city to city, country to country without the occasional hook-up or booty call?

CUJO

Tell me about it, I feel you.

BRITTANYMAN

Okay, well, Snoop Dogg, how'd you and Santa meet?

SANTA

Well, it plays out like this.  You see, like about a long time ago, I'm making this run, and I'm cold.  I mean, really cold, yo.  So I'm walking the streets, freezing, and my home boy here's great-great-great-great gramps came and hooked a brother up.  So he saved me from dying, so I've kinda been helping his family out ever since.

SNOOP DOGG

Yeah, fo' sho'.  Santa is the downest white boy north of Detroit.

SANTA

Yo Snoop, come on, I can kick it more than Em.

CUJO

Hey, that's my home-boy you're talking about.

SNOOP DOGG

You're down with Em?

CUJO

Yeah boy, me and Marshall are tight.  Met him through my bro 50 Cent.

SNOOP DOGG

For real?

CUJO

F' real, f' real.

SANTA

Listen, beotches, you wanna come hang with us in our pimp sleigh?

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO

Sure!

BRITTANYMAN

We can go see Rachael to show her Santa isn't evil.

SNOOP DOGG

Yeah, we can play dat, but then we gotta go see our dog P. Diddy.

CUJO

Alright, now I'll be in the ultimate posse!

Scene3: Rachael's House

BRITTANYMAN, CUJO, SANTA, SNOOP DOGG

[walk into Rachaels house and see her tied to chair with person in front of her with his back turned]

BRITTANYMAN

Who the hell are you?

MATT

[turns around] Matt Smith, you know me Brittanyman. 

CUJO

[gasps] Matt!  How could you do this?

MATT

Well, I auditioned for American Idol and they said I was terrible!  I have to get even with the world.

SNOOP DOGG

Punk ass bitch, look, I can't sing, but Im a famous rapper.  Be a rapper.

MATT

No!  Even though rapping can get you bitches and hoes, it's much more fun to be an arch-nemesis!

CUJO

No!  Matt, please don't do this!

MATT

Why should you care?  You don't know me, you're just her sidekick!

CUJO

But, Matt I [stops mid-sentence]

MATT

I'm going to leave now to let you think about this: from now on you will have to face King Matt! [pulls out cloak, puts it on  and dashes away]

CUJO

[screams and shakes fists in air] No! [cries]

BRITTANYMAN, SANTA, SNOOP DOGG