Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Natalia Babeschnoff

Nurse Fredericks

Angela Martini

Snoop Dogg

Furry Dog

Eminem

P. Diddy

50 Cent

Scene1: New Year's Eve Eve

BRITTANYMAN

Cujo?

CUJO

Yeah?

BRITTANYMAN

You're a pervert.

CUJO

I know.

BRITTANYMAN

Cujo?

CUJO

Yeah?

BRITTANYMAN

I'm bored.

CUJO

Me too.

BRITTANYMAN

Are you just agreeing with me because you know if you didn't I'd hurt you?

CUJO

Does it matter?

BRITTANYMAN

No.  We need to do something tomorrow.

CUJO

[says excitedly] Yeah!  We could have the ultimate party!  I'll call P. Diddy!  He was fun to kick it with on Christmas Eve!  He can help us plan! [calls P. Diddy]

[phone rings]

P. DIDDY

[answers phone] Hello, Sean P. Diddy Combs speaking.

CUJO

What's up man?

P. DIDDY

Oh hey, Cujo, what have you been up to?

CUJO

Not much man, but me and Brittanyman are thinking of throwing a party, and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to come over and hang, cause I'm inviting some of the boys and all.

P. DIDDY

Yeah boy, as long as you invite some of those fine Russian shorties you were talking about over, I'm coming.

CUJO

You got it, they're as good as here, and did I tell you one is a nurse.

P. DIDDY

Oh, now I'm definitely coming over.

CUJO

Good to hear it.  See you tomorrow.

P. DIDDY

Catch ya later, player. [hangs up]

CUJO

[hangs up]  Were going to have some fun tomorrow tonight.

Scene2: The Party

CUJO

I have to admit, I put up some awesome party decorations. [looks up at streamers and glow sticks, etc.]

BRITTANYMAN

I don't think they look that good.  It looks like we're having a rave.

CUJO

What are you talking about?  I worked them, rode them, tapped them and sent them off to get me cigarettes!

BRITTANYMAN

What are you talking about?

CUJO

I don't know, I just thought it sounded good.

ANGELA

[walks in] Okay, I'm here, now where's everybody else?

CUJO

What are you doing here?

ANGELA

Brittanyman invited me.

BRITTANYMAN

[to Cujo] And don't you start complaining.  All your girlfriends and dogs are here, so I don't wanna hear it. [to Angela] Let's go get something to drink.

50 CENT, EMINEM, P. DIDDY, SNOOP DOGG

[come in with their various associates]

ANGELA

These bastards are so stupid. Don't they know if they make an entrance they have to come in announced, not in a huddle while they're high. The bastards are going to ruin the party! I don't care if the have Crystal!

50 CENT

[walks over to Cujo and greets him with ghetto handshake] What's up, man.  Sorry, but Dre couldn't make it tonight.

CUJO

Dont sweat it, 50, I'm just glad you could make it.

EMINEM

Cujo!  When you gonna come down to the studio and lay down some tracks?

CUJO

[does ghetto handshake with Eminem] When I can get away from all the girls that won't leave me alone.

BRITTANYMAN

What girls? [laughs]

FURRY DOG, NATALIA, NURSE FREDERICKS

[walk in]

CUJO

[smiles] Perfect timing.

50 CENT, EMINEM, P. DIDDY, SNOOP DOGG

[look girls up and down and lean saying] Damn.

NATALIA

Cujo, it's so good to see you again. [walks over and wraps arm around Cujo]

NURSE FREDERICKS

Yeah darling, I've missed you too. [kisses Cujo on cheek]

FURRY DOG

When are you coming back over? [hugs Cujo]

SNOOP DOGG

[walks over to Furry Dog] I like it doggy style, too.  You wanna go back to my crib and kick it?

FURRY DOG

No, sorry. [looks at Cujo] I already have a man.

CUJO

Sorry, Snoop.  I can't help it; the ladies just love me.

ANGELA, BRITTANYMAN

[scoff]

NATALIA

Vat?  Do you mean that you've been stringing us all along?

CUJO

Well, not exactly...

NURSE FREDERICKS

How could you do this to me?

NATALIA

To you?  You're the other woman?

NURSE FREDERICKS

No, you're the other woman!

NATALIA

Bitch! [smacks Nurse Fredericks]

NURSE FREDERICKS

Whore! [smacks Natalia]

P. DIDDY

This is getting good.

NATALIA

[grabs Nurse Fredericks by the hair and yanks her around]

NURSE FREDERICKS

[smacks Natalia's hands away and pushes her to ground]

NATALIA

[grabs Nurse Fredericks by the leg and pulls her down to the floor]

NATALIA, NURSE FREDERICKS

[wrestle]

BRITTANYMAN

[separates Natalia and Nurse Fredericks] Wait a minute!  Do you realize that you're fighting over Cujo?  Cujo!  Think about it!

NATALIA, NURSE FREDERICKS

[look at Cujo and then at each other]

ANGELA

Don't worry about him, he can take care of himself  even if you're not there.

NATALIA, NURSE FREDERICKS

[get off of floor, smack Cujo and leave]

CUJO

Damn.  They were hot, too.

SNOOP DOGG

Yeah, but you forget I work for Girls Gone Wild.  This whole time I've been wearing a hidden camera and caught the whole thing on tape.

CUJO

You think you could send me a copy of that?

SNOOP DOGG

Fo' shizzle, dizzle.  

ANGELA, BRITTANYMAN

Cujo, you're such a pervert.

CUJO

I know.

P.DIDDY

Hey, uh, you think you could get me a copy, too?

50 CENT, EMINEM

Me too!

SNOOP DOGG

Yeah, sure, I'll help you brothers out.  Say, how old were they?

CUJO

In their early twenties.

SNOOP DOGG