Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Rachael Brennskag

Shayne Edwards

Angela Martini

Christopher

Scene 1: Angela's Crib

NARRATOR

On her first day of Summer Vacation Brittany Law decides to go over to her friends Angela's house, where the two began playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3.

ANGELA

[flipping through character changing screen]  Okay, I'm done.  You can just edit my character a little so that it's how you want it to look and whatever you want to do to it.

BRITTANY

[flipping through character options]  Hey, why is your character's name Gertrude? 

ANGELA

I just like creating characters with weird names.  [glances at screen and back at Brittany]  You know, your character kind-of looks like Brittanyman.  You know, with the pink outfit and glasses and everything.

BRITTANY

Well, I just think she's cool, and all.  Her cape and her incredible abilities like picking up heavy stuff, jumping over a trailer park without falling, cussing out entire mobs of evil-doers, supersonic hearing and X-ray vision.  [snaps fingers]  Hey that reminds me, that CD you were looking for is behind your stereo where you can't see it.

ANGELA

Yeah, Brittany that reminds me of something too.  You see I know that- [gets cut off by Brittany]

BRITTANY

[places hand up to Angela to silence her]

NARRATOR

Once again Brittany used her heightened senses to find a person in trouble, but this time, it was a voice she knew.

SHAYNE

Help!  Stop this sick son of a bitch from killing me!

BRITTANY

I have to go to the bathroom.  [gets up and starts walking towards stairs and to the front door]

ANGELA

Brittany, my bathroom isn't in the front yard.

BRITTANY

I know.  I just don't like using other peoples bathrooms.  I'll be back in about half an hour  [runs out of the house and slams the door shut].

ANGELA

I guess I'll just have to tell her I know after shes done saving whoever it is.  [goes to phone, picks it up and dials Rachaels number]

[phone rings and Rachael picks it up]

RACHAEL

Hello.  I can't talk to whoever this is right now because I have to watch my brothers, or else they might do something disgusting.

ANGELA

Hey, it's me, Angela.  Brittany's at it again.

RACHAEL

She is?  God, this is like the third time just this week!  Not to mention the past few months.  Hold on a second.  [screams away from phone]  Stop doing that!  You're brothers for God sakes!  What's wrong with you?!?

ANGELA

I think I'll let you get back to your brothers. Bye!  [abruptly hangs up phone]

Scene 2: The Truck Driver

NARRATOR

Unfortunately for Shayne, Brittanyman would not be able to rescue him before Christopher, the British scone smuggling truck driver, could torture him further with his sociopathic false charm.

CHRISTOPHER

Now, there's really no need to use language like that.  [reaches for plate of scones and puts it in front of Shayne]  Why don't you have another scone?

SHAYNE

[kicking and thrashing in his cage]  No!  I told you I'm allergic to that crap!

CHRISTOPHER

That's typical of an American like you not to appreciate such fine food like a scone.  Not like your ridiculous need to eat your bloody Funions, Cheetos and Fritos.  It's like you Americans lost every bit of culture you had after you were foolish enough to separate from good old England.

SHAYNE

Shut up, you're just mad you lost.  Besides, no one eats that stuff unless they're completely wasted with the munchies.

BRITTANYMAN

[jumps into the back of the sixteen wheel truck after ripping off passenger side to get in, even though she knew it was unlocked]  Get the fuck out of my way, I'm Brittanyman and I'm here to save the day!

CHRISTOPHER

You bloody wanker!  I was just about to explain my scheme!

BRITTANYMAN

Hey, don't mind me, go ahead.  This oughta be good. 

CHRISTOPHER

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, I have a plan to bring the United States back to England.  These scones are laced with a chemical that alters your mind to believe the truth that England is the best country in the world.  I've been smuggling them here to this abandoned food processing plant where I will distribute them, and soon full power will restored to the English throne!

CHRISTOPHER

How can you use such horrid words like that?  You're a young lady!  Hasn't anyone ever taught you proper manners?

BRITTANYMAN

Horrid?  You want to hear horrid?  I'll show you horrid.  [takes a deep breath]  You're a God damn donkey raping, cock sucking bastard, twat!

CHRISTOPHER

[runs away screaming like a little girl]

BRITTANYMAN

Well, as he would say [does bad attempt at British accent] he's a little nancy boy.  [laughs for entirely too long]

SHAYNE

Hey, uh, do you think you can get me out of here now?

BRITTANYMAN

Say it first, or I'll start feeding you those stupid  scones.

SHAYNE

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

BRITTANYMAN

[opens door on Shayne's unlocked cage]

SHAYNE

Oh I guess I should have noticed there wasn't a lock on that thing.

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, but at least you finally admitted that you're beautiful. [laughs for entirely too long again]

Scene 3: Return to Angela's Crib

NARRATOR

Brittanyman changed out of her trademark costume so she could be recognized as not-so-mild mannered Brittany Law and went back to finish playing the game of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 with her friend, only to be beaten at HORSE, or as the name was changed to, jackass.

ANGELA

[throws controller down and jumped for joy]  Ha!  I beat you so bad!

BRITTANY

Yeah, well, um, uh...

ANGELA

I beat you!  I beat you!  Ha, ha, ha, ha!  [points finger at Brittany to mock her]

BRITTANY

[uses X-ray vision]  At least I'm not wearing men's underwear.