Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Fairyboy / Tim McPeters

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Furry Dog / Nona

Male Nurse1

Male Nurse2

Scene1: A New Year and a New Daddy

BRITTANYMAN

This New Year is going to suck.  No crime, no violence, no lunatics running the streets - it sucks already!  How are we supposed to have fun?

CUJO

There are other ways to have fun.

BRITTANYMAN

You pervert, you'll probably do this year what you'll do every year - look at porn.

CUJO

I don't think of it that way.  I'm glad it's a new year, a fresh start.

FURRY DOG

[enters headquarters] Then I suppose you would like to know that this year will be your first as a father!

BRITTANYMAN

Cujo, what is she talking about?

CUJO

How can you be pregnant?  I thought we were careful.

FURRY DOG

Well protection is never one hundred percent safe.

BRITTANYMAN

Oh my God, you did have sex! 

CUJO

Are you sure?  Are you really sure?

FURRY DOG

Yes I'm sure!  You have to come down and take a test to see if you're the father.

CUJO

I'm not ready for that, [slumps down into chair] I'm not ready to be a dad.

BRITTANYMAN

You should've thought about that before you slept together.  The only way to make sure nothing like that happens is to be abstinent.

CUJO

Isn't there another way?

BRITTANYMAN

No, unless you don't have conventional sex and that can still cause STI's when you do it without protection, or even when you do.

CUJO

This is just too much.

FURRY DOG

This is just too much for you?  I'm the one that's about to be a mother, not you!  I have to go through labor; I have to raise the baby!

CUJO

I'd never make you do that alone!

FURRY DOG

You said yourself that you're not ready; you're not even a man!

BRITTANYMAN

Stop it!  Just stop fighting!  You have to grow up because if the baby is his, you have to be civil.  Just make sure of who the father is and deal with your emotional bullshit later.  Now get down to that clinic and get this over with!

FURRY DOG

Youre right, we have to get this done.

BRITTANYMAN

Damn right, I'm right.  I'm the heroin for a reason. [pauses] That not being a man line was good, by the way. [laughs] 

CUJO

So, how many others could be the father?

FURRY DOG

Well, I've narrowed it down, I'll say that much.

CUJO

Out of how many?

FURRY DOG

That doesn't really matter does it?  But, while we're at the hospital, you might want to get tested for the herpes. [exits]

CUJO

[jaw drops open]

BRITTANYMAN

Look on the bright side - odds are you're not the baby's daddy.

CUJO

Yeah, that's really comforting.  Even if I'm not the father, I could still be stuck with cold sores for the rest of my life.

BRITTANYMAN

Look on the bright side - you might not have the herpes that's on your mouth.

CUJO

You're right, this year does suck.

BRITTANYMAN

[flips through magazine] I can't believe I'm here for moral support.

CUJO

[fidgets nervously in chair] I'm worried about all of this and I don't feel comfortable.

NARRATOR

As Brittanyman and Cujo sat in the waiting room, someone couldn't believe he saw them there.

FAIRYBOY

[enters waiting room] What are you here for?

BRITTANYMAN

[keeps eyes focused on magazine] Paternity test.

FAIRYBOY

Cujo, you got Brittanyman pregnant?

BRITTANYMAN

You bitch! [throws magazine at Fairyboy] Don't you ever say that the fuck again!

FAIRYBOY

Sorry, sorry.  So what are you here for?

BRITTANYMAN

Moral support, okay?  He got that dog from the furry club knocked up.

FAIRYBOY

What?

CUJO

We don't know that yet.

FAIRYBOY

Nona?

CUJO

Huh?

NONA

[enters waiting room] What's going on?  Oh, you didn't tell them, did you?

CUJO

Wait, you're the dog.  And that means that [stops mid-sentence]

NONA

Fairyboy and I have been together since he came back to the club a while ago.  We have an open relationship, so he's not mad.

CUJO

Ugh!  I slept with someone that Fairybitch did!  I feel so dirty! [pauses] Your name's Nona?

BRITTANYMAN

You didn't know her name?

CUJO

If you haven't already guessed, I wasn't really using my head.

BRITTANYMAN

No you were, just the wrong one.

MALE NURSE 1

[enters waiting room] Do you all belong in the psychiatric ward?

MALE NURSE 2

[enters waiting room and nudges Male Nurse 1, indicating Cujo] He's the one.

MALE NURSE 1

[laughs] He is? 

CUJO

Is what?  Is what?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, what are you talking about?

MALE NURSE 1

Here when the child has yet to be born, we look at the timeline of the sexual events and the potential fathers sperm count. [laughs]

MALE NURSE 2

And according to what we saw [laughs] my lotion-toting friend, you have the highest sperm count we've seen in a while. [laughs] By the way, it's a good thing you brought that lotion because we were running out in that room. [laughs]

CUJO

Oh yeah, I'm manly, I have a high sperm count.  Figures you don't after wearing that dress for so long.

CUJO, NONA

Wait a minute!

NONA

If he has a high sperm count, does that mean he's the father of my baby?

MALE NURSE 1

No, after looking at that suit you showed us [laughs] we determined that the sperm couldn't have gotten through. [laughs]

FAIRYBOY, NONA

[look at each other] It's our baby! [skip away, hand-in-hand]

BRITTANYMAN

And she said you weren't a man. [looks at Cujo] What did that nurse mean by the sperm couldn't get through the suit?  You didn't [stops mid-sentence] I don't want to know. [starts walking away]

CUJO

[starts chasing after Brittanyman and catches up to her] Don't judge me.

BRITTANYMAN