Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Tim McPeters

Sarah Miller

Sushi Buffe

Bandit 1

Bandit 2

Bandit 3

Tobias

Guido

Victor

Lars

Max

Scene 1: Time to Fight

NARRATOR

After fighting crime for two straight days, Brittany Law a.k.a. Brittanyman was reasonably tired and on edge.  When she had just began to unwind and listen to her Placebo album, singing along to "The Bitter End," she had to turn off her CD player after she had finally gotten it to work so she could save Tim McPeters.

BRITTANYMAN

[climbs through ship porthole into Sushis room]  Alright.  I'm not in the mood to fight so just hand Timmy over so I don't have to go and break a sweat over nothing.

TIM McPETERS

[mumbles with duct tape over his mouth]

SUSHI BUFFE

You must not know who I am.  I am not someone that will just hand over someone without a fight.

NARRATOR

This new foe Brittanyman would face really would put up a fight.  For she was, Sushi Buffe, the ruthless Asian pirate that would stop at nothing to find out what she wanted to know.  She and Brittanyman had a fight full of bloodshed and savage acts.  [pauses]  Okay, maybe not bloodshed and savage acts, but they were mean to each other.

BRITTANYMAN

[pulls on Sushi's eye patch and lets it go so that it hit her in the face]

SUSHI BUFFE

Ow!  That hurt!  [pulls Brittanyman's hair]

BRITTANYMAN

[gets away from Sushi and punches her]  What do you want with Tim?

SUSHI BUFFE

[throws punch and misses]  It's not him I was after, it was you if you haven't already guessed.

BRITTANYMAN

[does roundhouse kick]  I'll rephrase the question.  [throws punch and misses]

SUSHI BUFFE

[jabs and hits Brittanyman in the nose]  Go ahead and ask.

BRITTANYMAN

What do you want with me, then?

SUSHI BUFFE

I wanted to ask you wh-[gets interrupted by men in leather pants bursting through the door]

VICTOR

It's okay Brittanyman, we'll save you!

BRITTANYMAN

You know, it's okay I really don't need saving.

TOBIAS, GUIDO, VICTOR, LARS, MAX

[grabs Brittanyman and drags her out of the room]

SUSHI BUFFE

[yells after Tobias, Guido, Victor, Lars and Max]  Hey!  I didn't get to ask her my question! [yells to Bandits in other room]  Let's go after them!

BANDIT 1, BANDIT 2, BANDIT 3

Sure thing, boss.

Scene 2: Stupid Male Groupies

NARRATOR

After being whisked away by her captors, Brittanyman found herself among unusual company to say the least.  They were five men in their early twenties, all shirtless and leather clad, which made them resemble the biker guy from The Village People, but without the fu man chu mustache.  She wasn't bound or restricted in the dark room, whose walls bore nothing but posters of her, though she was thoroughly freaked out.

BRITTANYMAN

Okay you whacked out perverts, tell me who you are!

VICTOR

I'm Victor, this is Tobias [points to Tobias], that's Guido [points to Guido], that's Lars [points to Lars], and that's Max [points to Max].  We're your biggest fans, Brittanyman.  Some people might call us stalkers, so we have to wear these silly leather pants and have a leather enthusiast group with other members so no one becomes suspicious of us.

SARAH

[walks out of dark corner into view of others in room]  You mean this isn't a leather enthusiast group?

BRITTANYMAN

Sarah, what are you doing here? [takes a look at Sarah's attire]  And why are you wearing leather?

SARAH

Ummmm... [darts out of room]

VICTOR

Anyway, back to you Brittanyman.  You see, we all love you.  It would be all of our ultimate dreams if you would, [pauses] you know.

BRITTANYMAN

Heck no!  There's no way I would ever do that with any of you!  [uses X-ray vision]  Except for maybe Max.

SUSHI BUFFE, BANDIT 1, BANDIT 2, BANDIT 3

[burst into room]  Now we'll actually save you!

NARRATOR

A fierce fight really did erupt between Sushi Buffe with her band of bandits and Brittanyman's creepy groupies.  At the end of it, all of Brittanyman's groupies lay beaten and bruised on the floor with broken noses.

BRITTANYMAN

Thanks Sushi, I don't know how I can ever pay you back for this.

SUSHI BUFFE

Well, you could always answer my question, it was the only reason I wanted to find you.  Where'd you get your cape?  It's totally awesome.  I always wanted one to go with my pirate ensemble.  In black, purple just wouldn't match.

BRITTANYMAN

Oh, is that all?  You can get them specially made at New Paris Cleaners.  Hey, where'd you get your eye patch, now that's cool.

SUSHI BUFFE

I just had a lazy eye as a kid, I just kept the patch because I thought it was cool.  That's part of the reason I became a pirate.

BRITTANYMAN