Characters

Brittanyman / Brittany Law

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Ms. Fried-Kasofsky

Casey Watts

Sparrowman

Matt Smith

Dijonaise

Scene1: Money Back Guarantee

BRITTANYMAN

[paces around in front of Wayne's hospital bed] I can't believe this, you're the worst sidekick ever!

WAYNE

Hey, it's not my fault I fell and sprained my ankle.

BRITTANYMAN

Yes it is!

WAYNE

Oh, yeah.

CASEY

[enters] Wayne, I brought Matt like you wanted. [pulls Matt into room]

MATT

Hey Wayne [looks at Brittanyman] Brittanyman!  What are you doing here?

CASEY

I think I should go. [exits]

WAYNE

It doesn't matter why she's here!  You should be worried about me!

MATT

Wayne, how could you betray me like this and be with Brittanyman?

BRITTANYMAN

Hey, I'm not with anybody, I'm not getting dragged into this.

WAYNE

Yeah, and you're one to talk about betraying, Matt!  Casey had to drag you down here, I thought you cared!  You didn't even feed me chicken soup or give me sips of cold water!

MATT

No, believe me, you mean something to me, you do.

BRITTANYMAN

I would go too, but this is funny!

MATT

Stay out of this, Brittanyman.

BRITTANYMAN

[to Matt] Don't talk to me that way! [to Wayne] Aren't you going to say something to him?

WAYNE

No, please, Brittanyman, leave us alone for a while, we need to talk.

BRITTANYMAN

Fine!  Be that way! [slams door shut and on outside of door says] This is just great, now who am I going to get? [looks over at next to door] Casey, is that a glass next to the wall with your ear on it?

CASEY

Yes, I was listening you have to keep friends close and enemies closer.  Matt is apart of another CAP unit so I have to keep tabs on him.

BRITTANYMAN

Would you like to be my assistant while I look for another sidekick?

CASEY

Sure, do I get to make pies?

BRITTANYMAN

If you want to, but on your own time.

CASEY

Mmmmpie.

BRITTANYMAN

Whatever.  You know, I really need to get a good sidekick for once.  My first one turned into a fuzzy dog-humping bunny rabbit and now this one I've got now is falling apart.  Why can't sidekicks have those thirty-day things or something where if it doesn't work out I can get a better model?

CASEY

Mmmmpie.

BRITTANYMAN

Exactly!  If you don't like pie from a bakery, you can bring it back and get a better one!  I need a trusting, loyal, fun but sane sidekick.  But who?

BRITTANYMAN, CASEY

[think for a minute and say in unison] Ms. Fried!

CASEY

Mmmmpie.

BRITTANYMAN

No, with Ms. Fried you say casserole, duh.

CASEY

Pie cannon?

BRITTANYMAN

No, I don't think she would be able to make a pie cannon like Wayne could, but she's good enough.  Have you ever seen her pick up Ms. Zeller?

CASEY

No, can she do that?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah!  And if she can swing her around in the air, then she could definitely do that to some thugs!

WAYNE

[wriggles out of hospital bed and hops over to door, falling down] Did someone mention my thugness?

BRITTANYMAN

No, Wayne, but you should know something.

WAYNE

I already know that you want to replace me, I understand.

BRITTANYMAN

No, your hospital gown's open. 

WAYNE

[tries to fix hospital gown]

MATT

[appears in doorway] Don't worry about that, Wayne.  You, uh, shouldn't move much with that, uh, sprained ankle.

BRITTANYMAN

Sure, that's what you want him to think.

MATT

I hate you, Brittanyman!

BRITTANYMAN

Come on, Matt!  You try and fight me!

CASEY

And me!

BRITTANYMAN

[pushes Casey aside] Don't get into this, Casey, this is my bitch smacking.

WAYNE

No!  Please, don't fight.

MATT

Whatever you say, Wayne but only because you say so. [helps Wayne up]

WAYNE

Matt, did you just break the last tie on my gown?

MATT

Ooops, sorry.

BRITTANYMAN

Sure, you are.

MATT

I hate you, Brittanyman.

BRITTANYMAN

Good, but Wayne's my bitch.

BRITTANYMAN

[enters Ms. Fried-Kasofsky's room]

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

May I help you?

BRITTANYMAN

Yeah, uh, you see [gets cut off by Ms. Fried-Kasofsky]

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Excuse me?

BRITTANYMAN

I'm sorry, I mean yes you can help me.  The thing is, Cujo is in the hospital again and I need to a have a new sidekick.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

You mean co-crime fighter.

BRITTANYMAN

Huh?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

It's the more politically correct term.

BRITTANYMAN

Fine, then will you be my co-crime fighter?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Absolutely.  I want to keep the streets rid of the ruffians whose use of slang and verbs that are not conjugated.

BRITTANYMAN

I don't care what your motivation is, as long as you can kick some a- [stops herself from saying ass].

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Don't worry about swearing around me, I'm an English teacher - I believe in freedom of speech.

BRITTANYMAN

Cool, so do you want to go knock around some gang bangers?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Sure.

BRITTANYMAN

Good, and Ms. Fried?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

What?

BRITTANYMAN

[whispers] Casserole.

Scene3: Ghettolicious Bad Girl and Yet Another, Well, You Know...

BRITTANYMAN, MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

[walk down dark alley]

BRITTANYMAN

[stops walking and stops Ms. Fried-Kasofsky] Ms. Fried, what are we doing here?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

I don't know.

DIJONAISE

[jumps out from behind dumpster] I do!  My baby daddy left me wit' lil' Jerome, Jr. and I became so mad angry, so I became a real bad beotch.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Now why would that matter to us?

DIJONAISE

Cause y'all be da good guys and shit, so I guess I be fightin' you.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

What is your name, you wretched uneducated beast?

DIJONAISE

My name be Dijonaise, now don't you be criticizin' me on my words.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

If you won't respond to criticizing, then I suppose you will just have to respond to this. [picks up Dijonaise and throws her over her shoulders]

BRITTANYMAN

Go Ms. Fried!  Give her a good education!

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

What an excellent idea! [throws Dijonaise down to the other end of the alley] Now I suggest Dijonaise that you go home to your child and take care of him the way a mother should.

DIJONAISE

[gets off ground and begins to run away screaming] That bitch be crazy!

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

How can she say that?

BRITTANYMAN

I know, you're not a bitch Ms. Fried.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

No, I meant that she should've said that bitch is crazy.  Although you're right, I am not in any way a bitch.

SPARROWMAN

[comes out of dark corner of alley] I agree with that.  How've you been, Brittanyman?

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

Who is she?

BRITTANYMAN

Sparrowman - the person that made me decide to be a superhero.

MS. FRIED-KASOFSKY

I guess you don't need me anymore. [walks away]

BRITTANYMAN

Sparrowman, will you be my partner?

SPARROWMAN

Of course.

BRITTANYMAN

Then I'll let go of Cujo.

Scene4: Letting Cujo Down Easy

BRITTANYMAN

[walks into Wayne's house] Wayne?  You here?

WAYNE

[runs to greet Brittanyman] Hey, my foot's better, I can go back to work now!

BRITTANYMAN

No, the thing is, you can't.  You better sit down for this.

WAYNE

[sits down]

MATT

[walks in carrying can of whipped cream] What's going on?

BRITTANYMAN

What the fuck, are you always together?  And what is with the whipped cream?

MATT

We were eating ice cream.

BRITTANYMAN

Sure, whatever, but Wayne, I'm leaving you.  My old friend Sparrowman is in town, so, I'm sorry. [exits]

MATT

I can't believe this!

WAYNE

I know.  How could she leave me?

MATT

No, I mean now we can be together!

WAYNE

You're right! [stands up] But what will your name be?

MATT

Rocketman!

WAYNE

Cool, now let's go finish off that ice cream!