Characters

P-shizzle / Pierre Belleza

Rocketman / Matt Smith

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Jenna Jameson

Porn Fairy

Scene1: Fun With Condoms

NARRATOR

Wayne Mowery a.k.a Cujo, Matt Smith a.k.a. Rocketman, and their good friend Pierre Belleza a.k.a. P-shizzle, were all enjoying themselves by making balloon animals out of condoms. 

PIERRE

Guys, [puts down condom] this is getting pretty stupid.

WAYNE

It is?  I think it's pretty fun.

MATT

You do?  I don't, I'd rather use a condom for something else.

MATT, PIERRE, WAYNE

[laugh]

WAYNE

Matt, you're so God damn funny. [pauses] This is getting boring.

MATT

Do you guys want to go somewhere?

WAYNE

Yeah, I'll go anywhere you wanna go Matt.

PIERRE

Why not, I guess I'll go too.

MATT

So, where do you guys wanna go?

WAYNE

Why don't we just walk around some sketchy part of the city until we find something to do?

PIERRE

That idea is so terrible that it might actually not work.  We might as well go.

MATT, PIERRE, WAYNE

[get up to leave and leave]

NARRATOR

Unbeknownst to the three friends, fate would intervene with their plan to have some fun to make it so that they would have a whole shit load of fun for quite a long time by today's standards.

Scene2: More Fun With Condoms

NARRATOR

Just as the boys had planned, they landed themselves in the worst part of Baltimore City; crack dealers were everywhere, hookers lined the streets alongside hustlers in front of smut shops - they were in Heaven.

PIERRE

This doesn't look like somewhere we should be.  I think we should go home.

MATT

What are you talking about?  This place is awesome!

WAYNE

Yeah!  Look over there! [points to adult video store] Let's go! [runs across street]

PIERRE

Wait! [looks both ways and crosses street]

MATT

[runs across street and reads a sign in adult video store window aloud] Closed, guess we better go. [begins to turn away]

WAYNE

No, look at the fine print. [reads fine print aloud] If three boys by the names of Pierre, Matt and Wayne come, go around back for a surprise. 

MATT

Sounds cool!

MATT, PIERRE, WAYNE

[go to back of adult video store]

PIERRE

There's nothing here.

NARRATOR

As if out of thin air, actually it was out of thin air, a goddess-like woman wearing little more than underwear appeared in front of the boys.  She looked like Anna Kournikova, only she had obviously been around the block a few more times.  She was also carrying a wand and a brown paper bag.

PORN FAIRY

[says in a slow voice] Hey, I'm the Porn Fairy, nice to meet you.

MATT

Porn Fairy?  What in the hell is a porn fairy?

PORN FAIRY

Actually, I'm the Porn Fairy, and I've chosen you three to do something special for me.

PIERRE

Oh no!  You're going to molest us all!

PORN FAIRY

No, here you go. [throws brown paper bag to Matt] Look inside.

MATT

[opens brown paper bag] It's a box of condoms!  Awesome!  I ran out after the field trip and we used the ones left!

PORN FAIRY

Not just any condoms.

WAYNE

What?  Are they like ribbed, or French, or something?

PORN FAIRY

No, they're magic.

MATT

Like, can they guarantee orgasms even if you have bad performance?

PORN FAIRY

No, it's a never-ending box and the condoms will make any straight woman, gay man, or bisexual want to have sex with you.

PIERRE

Then why are you giving them to us?

PORN FAIRY

Because I want to rid the world of stuck-up feminists!

MATT

Aren't most feminists lesbians?

PORN FAIRY

No, a lot of them are just frustrated straight women that can't get laid, which is where you come in.

WAYNE

Come in!  That's like cum!  Ha!

MATT

But, what do we have to do if the woman is a lesbian?

PORN FAIRY

You'll just have to figure that out for yourself.  Oh, and before I forget[snaps fingers, making Matt, Pierre, and Wayne be in their costumes - Wayne as Cujo, Pierre decked in thug clothing and Matt in red spandex with a black cape] Much better. [snaps fingers and disappears into thin air]

CUJO

Well, I'm used to this costume, but why does Pierre get to be ghetto!?!

P-SHIZZLE

That's P-shizzle to you, beotch!

CUJO

I am no one's beotch!

ROCKETMAN

Whatever, but we should test these condoms out, just to see.

CUJO

Don't look at me!  Like I said, I'm no one's beotch!

JENNA JAMESON

[walks by and stops to look at boys] Hi, how are you studs hanging?

CUJO, P-SHIZZLE, ROCKETMAN

Jenna Jameson!

JENNA JAMESON

That's me, but seriously, how are you hanging?

CUJO

I thought you got married!

JENNA JAMESON

I did, but my husband fucked Mary Carey, so I get to go fuck someone too, so which one of you will it be?

CUJO, ROCKETMAN

Me! [fight each other over Jenna Jameson and stop]

ROCKETMAN

Dude, you have those Russian chicks, let me do this, I mean her.

CUJO

[says sadly] Fine.

ROCKETMAN

Come on Jenna! [grabs Jenna Jameson and pulls her inside of building]

P-SHIZZLE

It's not that bad, I mean, odds are those condoms aren't FDA approved, so he'll get all sorts of diseases being with her.

CUJO

[smiles] Good.  I was almost thinking youd say she's just acting in her movies and she wouldn't be any good.

P-SHIZZLE

Are you kidding!?!  She's a sex goddess, she's probably incredible!

CUJO

[frowns] Damn.

Scene3: Fifteen Minutes Later

ROCKETMAN

[comes out of building with a huge grin]

CUJO

How'd it go?

ROCKETMAN

I just had sex with Jenna Jameson.

P-SHIZZLE

Yeah, we kind of figured that with all the yelling coming out of that bathroom.

CUJO

And I checked in that window over there.

ROCKETMAN

What?

CUJO

Hey, I wanted to know if you actually went through with it.

ROCKETMAN

Of course I did, just four more to go and I'll have screwed every woman that has a contract with Vivid Video.

P-SHIZZLE

So was she good?

ROCKETMAN

Hell yeah!

CUJO