Characters

P-shizzle / Pierre Belleza

Rocketman / Matt Smith

Cujo / Wayne Mowery

Feminist Lucy

Brianna Banks

Kira Kener

Porn Fairy

Mina

Scene1: Mission: Frigid Bitch

MATT

Do you think it would work again?  I mean; we could do some fun stuff with that.

PIERRE

This time I want a shot!

WAYNE

What?  You're Pierre!  You're not supposed to want to score!

PIERRE

Well I do!  I'm pent up!

WAYNE

Fine then, we'll have to think of something.

MATT

I have an idea!  There's a Feminist Convention in town!

PORN FAIRY

[appears out of thin air] Finally, you boys are thinking!  I mean, a while has passed since you used them.

MATT

It's not our fault, for some reason there has been a long pause between our misadventures.

PORN FAIRY

Whatever, just get to the convention, you have no choice; you must go where no straight man has gone before...

PIERRE

Oh God, not Liza Manelli! 

PORN FAIRY

No, I meant you must get to the worst feminist of them all, the cause of all my problems...[trails off]

MATT

What does Sarah have to do with this?

PORN FAIRY

Are you kidding!?!  Sales in porn have gone up five hundred percent because of her!  She's the best little pervert of them all...[gets choked up]

WAYNE

Hey, Cujo here!

PORN FAIRY

Look, you guys need to get into costume and get your asses down there!

PIERRE

We don't have a ride!

PORN FAIRY

Then I'll give you one! [claps hands and pimpmobile appears]

MATT, PIERRE, WAYNE

Awesome!

PORN FAIRY

Now get going!  And get Lucy!

NARRATOR

The trio of man-whores made their way down to the Baltimore Convention Center, only to find a surprising surprise. [pauses] God damn it that sounds so fucking lame.

CUJO, P-SHIZZLE, ROCKETMAN

[enter Convention Center]

ROCKETMAN

Oh my God, I don't think I've seen women with haircuts as butch as these since Ms. Daddura  yesterday.

CUJO

You're right, I mean my God I'd be shocked if there was even one straight woman here.

MINA

[walks over to Cujo, P-shizzle, and Rocketman] Hello, I'm surprised you're all here.  What are you doing here?

CUJO

God damn it, give me that! [grabs magic condom from Rocketman] Come to me, Mina, come to me.

MINA

[laughs]

CUJO

What's so funny?  You should wanna fuck me now!

MINA

Don't be so silly, I have your, what is it, um, kryptonite.

P-SHIZZLE

What's that?

MINA

[pulls out box] Magical birth control, your condoms are useless against it.

CUJO

Who hates me enough to give you that?

MINA

The Prude Fairy, she wants me to give them out to all the women here.

ROCKETMAN

Who didn't you give them to?

MINA

[points to Brianna Banks and Kira Kener] Those stupid, so-called feminist porn stars, they refuse to have them.

P-SHIZZLE

[looks up] Thank you God! [grabs a magic condom and rushes over to Kira Kener] Hey.

KIRA KENER

Hey, you wanna find a bathroom stall and get to know each other better, my sexy little thug?

P-SHIZZLE

Yes! [drags Kira Kener away to find a bathroom]

CUJO

Well, Mina, I like you and all, but I'm still a man! [throws magic condom up, catches it, and saunters over to Brianna Banks] I'm a fan of your work.

BRIANNA BANKS

Wanna be an even bigger fan?

CUJO

Hell yeah! [drags Brianna Banks away]

ROCKETMAN

I guess it's up to me now.  Mina, have you seen someone named Lucy around here?

MINA

Well yes, actually I have, she's so incredible!  I mean, I think most feminists are silly and too dramatic, but she is so firm in her beliefs that she doesn't even need the birth control.

ROCKETMAN

Where is she?

MINA

[points to a woman with an overly short haircut] Right there.

ROCKETMAN

This is going to be hard. [walks over to woman] Hi.

FEMINIST LUCY

[looks Rocketman over] I don't usually like men, but you're different.

ROCKETMAN

[gulps] All right; let's get this over with. [drags Feminist Lucy away]

 Scene Three: Feeling Guilty

NARRATOR

After all the boys were done with their hook-ups, they returned to Wayne's room/basement to discuss what happened.

PIERRE

I scored!  With Kira Kener!  This is the best day ever!

WAYNE

Hey, I got Brianna Banks, one of the stars of "Brianna Loves Jenna," winner of an Adult Video News Award.  I'm way happier than you. [to Matt] What's wrong?

MATT

[says glumly] I feel guilty, dude.

PIERRE

Why?  We're doing what were supposed to be doing.  It's to benefit mankind.

MATT

It's not that, I mean, it's not something I want to talk about.

WAYNE

What is it?  Come on, you can tell us.

MATT

She said she had a girlfriend and she didn't think it mattered if she did it with me.

PIERRE

So, you feel bad about making Lucy cheat?

MATT

No, I feel bad because I didn't tell Lucy to call her girlfriend to come with us.