Characters

Captain Sunshine / Wayne Mowery

Pierre Belleza

Matt Smith

Porn Fairy

Charlie

Scene1: Gay Men Can Be Feminists, Too

MATT

[enters room smiling] Hey guys. [sits down]

PIERRE

What are you so happy about?

MATT

I ran into Christina Aguilera at the Inner Harbor. 

WAYNE

[rushes over to Matt and asks excitedly]  Did you find out if those rumors about her are true?

MATT

Like the one that she's a total tomcat? [nods head] Oh yeah.

WAYNE

That's so cool for you and lame for me.

PIERRE

Cool?  Are you guys crazy?  With a woman as loose as her, I hope those condoms are FDA approved.

WAYNE

Me too.

MATT, PIERRE

[laugh]

WAYNE

[stands up sounding angry] What's so funny?

MATT

Like you would actually use them!

WAYNE

I would too, if it were Mina.

PIERRE

Wayne, she's too pure to want to do that with you.

WAYNE

[sinks into chair] But why does she have to be?

PORN FAIRY

[appears in puff of smoke] Because not everyone can be as corrupt as Sarah.

PIERRE

What's wrong now?

PORN FAIRY

I'm sure you're all well aware of the affects gay men have on society?

MATT, PIERRE

[look at Wayne]

WAYNE

What?

PORN FAIRY

Yes, well, the thing is, with straight men stealing their ultra-fabulous identity, some gay men are becoming angry feminists, joining with the lesbians and bitter straight women to torture poor straight men.

MATT

But, that will prevent us from getting laid!

PORN FAIRY

Exactly!  That's where you come in.  I need one of you to go undercover to penetrate [laughs] the, uh, head gay man's lair.

MATT, PIERRE, PORN FAIRY

[look at Wayne]

WAYNE

Why does it have to be me?

MATT

The military isn't very gay-friendly, sorry man.

WAYNE

Pierre, won't you help a brother out?

PIERRE

I can't be the voice of reason if I'm too busy styling my hair.

PORN FAIRY

Don't worry, you won't be completely gay, just enough to seduce the leader and bring him onto the perverted side.

WAYNE

Only if you help me.

PORN FAIRY

How?

WAYNE

Make me cool enough so that Mina will love me!

PORN FAIRY

I'll have to call in a few favors, but I'll do what I can.

WAYNE

I'm ready, but I won't have to fuck any guys will I?

PORN FAIRY

No, you'll just seduce.  There will be no pitching or catching, and I'll make sure you won't get any sort of sweet man love.

WAYNE

Let's get this over with.

PORN FAIRY

Fine. [yanks out magic wand]

MATT

What the fuck, is your wand what I think it is?

PIERRE

[looks at magic wand] For fuck's sake, that's a Goddamn vibrator!

PORN FAIRY

Just shut up and let me work. [waves around wand] Oh ye disgusting porn freaks of old, grant me my wish.  Make thou who art straight play for the other team, but not get to all the bases.

[puff of smoke]

CAPTAIN SUNSHINE

[coughs] Like, oh my God, could that have been anymore tacky.

PIERRE

It worked!

PORN FAIRY

I name thee Captain Sunshine!

CAPTAIN SUNSHINE

Whatever girl, just send me on my way, I want to get some more highlights before I'm seen in public.

PIERRE