The story begins with a day in January when a woman named Mrs. Law was pregnant with a girl.  She was nine months along, but on the day in question she didn’t think much of it, especially when she felt she had to go to the bathroom.  Now, it is a common mistake among women to think water breaking was a little “accident” and Mrs. Law’s case was no exception.  She immediately ran to the bathroom.  However, instead of “relieving herself,” the baby girl popped out of her and into the toilet bowl.  Surprisingly, Mrs. Law was quite calm considering she had to fish her baby out of a toilet.  She called her husband.

            “Hey, husband of mine, can you hear me?” she asked her husband while still in the bathroom cleaning her baby off.

            “Yes, wife of mine, I can,” he replied.

            “Our kid came out.”

            “Really?” he asked.  “What is it this time?  Another boy?”

            “Nope, it’s a girl this time,” she said.

            “What’d you name it?”

            “Nothing.”

            “You named our kid Nothing?” he asked quite concerned.

            “No, I couldn’t think of anything yet.  I haven’t named her.  What do you think of Anne?  Isn’t that a good name for a girl?” she wondered.

            “No!  Are you nuts?  What girl wants to be named Anne?  No, Brittany is much better.  Her name’s Brittany Anne Law.  I like that.”

            So it came to pass this special little girl would be named Brittany, a name she never really fancied, and so began a rift between her and her father.  She actually would have preferred Anne, but that bit of information is of little consequence right now.  From that day forward, she would always have an odd preoccupation wit toilets, and they were, in fact her only true weakness.

            Now, in the story of our heroine, we fast-forward from 1990 to 2004 when she has become a mature young woman.  Technically, she’s not that mature, but for the sake of argument in this telling of the tale she is.  Also in this telling are her seven main friends to remember: Rachael, Angela, Wayne, Pierre, Sarah, Mina, Doug and Casey.   Though they were all important to her, three played a more important role than the others, but we’ll get to that later.  One day, on a Saturday to be exact, Doug got an idea.

            “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” Doug shouted quite happily as he had his ideas constantly was always excited by them.

            “What is it man?” Wayne asked.  “Are we going to go pick-up chicks?”

            Mina, Wayne’s girlfriend, became angered by his outburst.  She hit him.

            “Ow!” he shrieked like a small child.  “Sorry, only kidding!”

            This assured Mina, so she nodded to show her forgiveness, and pushed the idea Doug had further.  “So what were you saying?”

            “I had an idea!” he screamed again.

            “Yeah, we kind of got that already,” Brittany began sarcastically.  “So what is it?”

            “We are going to a party!” he replied.

            “Cool!  That sounds like fun,” Casey said smiling.

            “Fun!” Sarah hollered.  “How do you propose we make it to this alleged party?  Where is it?  When is it?  Are there adults?  Will there be a distribution of illegal substances at this party?  Have you thought any of this through?”

            “No, I guess not,” said Doug in a disappointed tone.

            “Hey!  It’s no big deal,” said Angela lightening the mood.  “It’ll be great!  There’s one down the street from my house, we can go there!”

            “Awesome!” said Pierre in an uncharacteristic attempt at actually adding to the conversation.

            “Wait, wait!” Rachael whimpered.  “I don’t want to go!  I’m afraid to be around people I don’t know!”

            “It’s okay Rachael,” said Brittany.  “I’ll protect you.”

            With that being said, the group ventured down to Golden Tree in Middle River to attend this party.  They went into the house and there were strobe lights galore!  Streamers as far as the eye could see and at least three fog machines.   To a fancy Hollywood-type that’s bottom run entertainment, but to a bunch of Marylanders in their freshman year, it was quite impressive.

            “This is quite impressive,“ Doug said, stating the obvious.

            “Guess so,” said Rachael.  “Are we splitting up?”

            “Yeah, hey, Mina and I are going over there,” said Wayne taking Mina to another part of the house to dance where a DJ was playing.

            “Oh, I’m going to follow them as I am obsessed with Mina and can’t let go,” said Pierre leaving as well.

            “I’m going to find some hot chicks to hit on,” said Doug leaving.

            “I’m going to annoy Doug as he tries to hit on girls,” said Angela with a devilish glint in her eye, showing she was plotting something fiendish to embarrass Doug.

            “I’m going to exit because I’m just a filler character,” said Casey, leaving Brittany, Rachael and Sarah to themselves.

            “You guys won’t leave me will you?” asked Rachael quite timidly.

            “No, of course not,” said Brittany, patting Rachael on the head.  “What are we supposed to do now?”

            “I know!” said Sarah, pulling out some Pixie Stix®.  “Here we go!  Time for a good old-fashioned sugar rush!  Anyone care to join me?” 
            “No thank you,” said Rachael ever so politely.

            “Sure!” said Brittany grabbing one of the confections and eating one while Sarah did.  Little did they know that when exposed to strobe lights, Pixie Stix® can make its consumer have super-powers.  Brittany gained the incredible abilities of picking up heavy stuff, jumping over an entire trailer park without falling, supersonic hearing, X-ray vision, and the ability to tell whether or not someone is intoxicated.  Sarah merely had her superior intellect expanded to include the ability to concoct more evil schemes.  (Note: The Candy Baron of Nevada, Inc. and all those involved with Pixie Stix® negate any and all responsibility in the event one exposes their products to strobe lights and they gain super-power(s).)

            Not long after that night, but still long after Brittany had discovered and embraced her powers on her own without speaking of it or divulging her secret, a tragedy occurred: Anna Nicole Smith took it upon herself to come to Maryland on a Trim Spa® promotional tour.  Since she’s so bizarre, she thought it would be fun to kidnap some young man, as she was getting tired of rich old men, as crazy as that may seem.  Sadly, Brittany’s close friend Wayne was nabbed because he looks older than he is.  (Note: Trim Spa® and their associates negate any and all responsibility in the even that their spokesperson take it upon his or herself to kidnap young men/women.)

She took to action.  She got together an eclectic outfit, consisting of pink spandex, a purple cape, brass knuckles and cats-eye glasses.  (She wanted to be the opposite of Superman; she had to put glasses on to be her alter ego.)  When she got to where Anna was holding Wayne hostage, she beat the Texan down and saved her friend.  He was so grateful he insisted he become her sidekick, which dismayed Brittany as she thought it would be even harder to conceal her secret identity if someone so close to her would be there all the time.  Luckily for her, Wayne was dim and didn’t suspect a thing.  Even though her super-hero name was in fact Brittanyman, no one thought much of it, because it was the common misconception that if a super-hero had “man” in their name they were in fact male; this made Brittany miserable because of the ignorance people had.

            People were not that ignorant to Brittanyman’s existence, as she had gained notoriety in criminal circles as a force to be reckoned with.  Every close friend she had was kidnapped scores of times, forcing her to save each and every one in a dramatic fight sequence, but no villain ever figured out who she was or how to kidnap her closest friend, Rachael.  It was obvious to Rachael and Angela that Brittanyman was in fact their close friend Brittany, and still no villain got it.  No villain, except for one.

            Sarah started slowly gaining strength in the super-villain community after that night when she ate those Pixie Stix®, and before long had a lair and thugs of her own.  She of course knew the only way she could take over the world was to dethrone the major leaders and heads of state, but she figured that she’d practice with taking on Brittanyman.  Sarah knew who Brittanyman was as she had a super-intellect and knew the results of her eating of the power-enriched candy, so she put two and two together.  She plotted for about ten minutes before calling in her thugs to share her plan.

            “Thugs and various gangsters come here!” she shouted.  “I have a plan!”

            They all rushed into her meeting room in her makeshift lair in her mother’s basement and sat them down.  Before she could begin, one of them spoke up.

            “Uh, hey, boss,” he began, “what’s that thing you have?”

            “What thing?” she asked, irritated.

            “The fluffy thing in your hand, it looks like a squished weasel.”

            “You insolent little scum!  It’s a ferret,” she started angrily, but continued a bit more calmly.  “Yes it looks like a squished weasel, but if I’m going to be a good villain like Dr. Evil who was based on a character originally portrayed by Donald Pleasance, I need to have a pet.”

            “What about that cat and two dogs you have?” another thug asked.

            “My cat is overweight so I had to send him to fat camp and my dogs aren’t nearly fierce enough.”

            “And a ferret is?” he asked.

            “They ran out at the pet store, okay!  Moving on,” said Sarah who proceeded to tell her cronies her plan.

            Meanwhile, her predicament was at home frustrating Brittany.  Her father had called “Velvet Goldmine” a stupid movie, and it was Brittany’s favorite.  To top off all of her super-hero struggles she had to face, she started to feel her family was too normal to contend with her relatively new abilities.  She thought to herself, “You know, I want to be under the tutelage of someone who can make me faster, stronger…but I guess I could settle for being flat-mates with Johnny Depp.”  That’s exactly what she did.  She left a note to her parents, called up Johnny over in France, and they shared a flat in Washington, D.C.  She never spoke to her parents from then on, except when calling for money as many young people do.

Johnny Depp took her under his wing and taught her how to do her make-up just the right way so she would look like Edward Scissorhands and things of that nature.  He was the only celebrity she could trust with her secret, as he had confided such things to her like during the filming of “Secret Window,” John Turturro had really bad breath and Winona Ryder snores.

            One day, however, her training session with Johnny was interrupted by an unexpected phone call.

            “Hello, this is Academy Award® Nominee Johnny Depp,” he said when he answered the phone.  The person on the other end of the line requested to speak with Brittany and he gave the phone to her.

            “What’s up?” asked Brittany of the person on the other end.

            “What’s up?  I’ll tell you what’s up!” said the person, and Brittany immediately recognized the voice as belonging to her once close friend, now the villain, Sarah.

            “Sarah!  You villain!  What have you done?” Brittany asked frantically.

            “I have your precious Rachael!  I have done what no villain before me has, so there!  Now, you must brave the streets of my home, Essex, to save her!”

            “Curses!  Not Essex!  No!” screamed Brittany, feeling the onset of an almost inevitable defeat at the hands of those who inhabit Essex.

            “Yes, you must if you wish to see Rachael in one piece again!  I’ll shave off her eyebrows, and no one wants that now do they?  So, Brittany, yes I know your true identity, you will come and we will have a grand battle to settle this all!”

            “How could you know my identity?  No matter, I will wear my costume anyway.  Wearing spandex is so much fun!”

            “Okay, I didn’t need to know that.  See you at the battle, bye,” said Sarah preparing to hang up.

            “Later,” said Brittany, and with that, they both hung up their phones.

            Brittany turned to Johnny for guidance.

            “Oh Academy Award® Nominee Johnny Depp, what am I supposed to do?”

            “Calm yourself Brittany, remember what I have taught you.”

            “Don’t wear white after Labor Day.”

            “No, the other thing I taught you.”

            “When you’re a pirate you have to wear lots of eyeliner and act like rock legend Keith Richards from the Rolling Stones.”

            “No, the other thing.”

            “Oh, I have to face challenges head on and not be afraid to fight when it matters.”

            “I was going to say that you should have a stunt double, but that works.”

            After changing into her costume and Academy Award® Nominee Johnny Depp wished her good luck, Brittanyman set on her way to Essex, leaving Washington, D.C. behind her.  “D.C. after midnight is one thing, but Essex?  I won’t make it out alive!” she thought.  As soon as she made it into the area she was approached by a woman with bad bleached-blonde hair, hot pink acrylic nails and a tacky outfit.

            “Welcome to Essex, hon!” she greeted, which scared Brittanyman off and made her instantly remember her ability to jump over an entire trailer park without falling, which proved quite useful in Essex.  Before she knew it, she was at Sarah’s front door and she kicked it down to see Rachael tied to a chair.  Just at that moment, her sidekick, Wayne, appeared at her side.

            “What took you so long?” she asked Wayne.

            “I was about to ask the same thing!” shrieked Rachael.  “I have been tied to this chair for too long!  I haven’t been fed or anything by Sarah’s goonies!”

            Sarah stepped in and assessed the situation.

            “Hey, my mom offered you dinner!  You’re the one who said you didn’t want to be a bother!” she countered, then she made note of the door.  “You guys had better pay for that or my mom’s going to kill you!”

            “We’ll handle that later, but now,” Wayne began, clearing his throat for added effect, “we fight!”

            “No!” screamed Brittany.  “You untie Rachael, this is my fight.”

            “Oh not so fast,” said Sarah clapping her hands to signal her cronies.  They brought out a toilet to Sarah, but it wasn’t just any toilet.

            “What’s with the toilet?” asked Rachael and Wayne simultaneously.

            Brittanyman gasped.  “Sarah!  You didn’t!  You couldn’t have done that, could you?  Don’t tell me you could!”

            “Oh, I have!” she said with a malicious tone, followed by a well-timed guffaw.

            “What are you guys talking about?” asked Rachael.

            “Yeah, Brittanyman, what’s with the toilet?” asked Wayne.

            “It’s not just any toilet,” said Sarah very deliberately, “it’s the toilet.”

            “Still don’t get it,” said Wayne, cutting Rachael loose from her chair.

            “It’s the toilet I was born in,” said Brittanyman almost sentimentally.

            “Yes, and I will destroy it!” screamed Sarah, pulling out a sledgehammer for added drama.

            “Wait, no,” said Brittanyman, rushing to Sarah’s side and taking the sledgehammer away from her.

            “Don’t you dare!  I’m the villain, I have to win!” said Sarah.

            “No, actually Sarah, the bad guy loses,” said Brittanyman.

            “I know, but I want to set a precedent!  I can be the first female super-villain to beat the good guy!”

            “Why do that when you can be the first good female super-genius?  I mean, sure there have been a few smart male super-heroes, but never a girl one.”

            “You’re right, I guess I’ll have to repent for my evil ways and take my goonies to do community service.”

            With that, Brittanyman had defeated Sarah without any violence, much to the dismay of those looking-on.  Conveniently, Brittany’s dad was in Essex aimlessly wandering the streets and he found himself at Sarah’s door. 

            “Dad!  What are you doing here?” asked Brittanyman.

            “Dude, that’s so weird, Brittany has the same dad as Brittanyman,” said Wayne as he was a bit slow on the intake.

            “Dude, Brittany is Brittanyman, obviously,” said Sarah.

            “Okay, back to my heart-felt talk with my dad!” said Brittanyman to quiet everyone.  “I’m sorry I left home to live with Johnny Depp, well, okay not really, but I know I should have done it differently.  I’m sorry.”

            “It’s okay, I forgive you,” said Brittany’s dad, and then everyone went home.